Ya Know What?

1)  Emilee is turning NINE next month. NINE. This will be her last year in the single digits, EVER. That’s a big deal to me. SNIFF.

2) Heading to Manhattan at the end of January. Drinking it up New York style, my friends!

3) My favorite FB status this week: “Sorry about all the typos lately, gays.” <– LOVE LOVE LOVE! I literally, laugh out loud when I think of this.

4) Thinks it’s important that you know that my two car vagina is not filled with cobwebs at the moment. Much to Random Esquire’s dismay. Cuz My Cookie loves my vag to be all cobwebby.

5) This past weekend, while laying in bed with Mr. Sticks, I asked him a question that I think he may have answered in a … sexist way.

His response to me, well, let’s just say that I did the *BLINK* for a second before laughing. A lot.

“I’m not sexist! Being sexist is wrong and being wrong is for women.”

Um … HAHAHHAHA

6) Today we had our weekly team meeting. Upon arriving at the meeting room (the table in the room where I sit) I am greeted by The Boobs in this manner:

“Don’t sit there!” as I go to sit in a certain comfey seat. This was said with such urgency I kind of did that half-sitting yet half-halting myself FROM sitting sweet move.

“OMG, why, what happened?” I asked, as I managed to right myself into a standing position.

“Nothing,” says Twitch as he manhandles me out-of-the-way. “I want to sit here.”

*BLINK*

7) Em looked super cute the other night when she had … I dunno, something cute going on.

“Em!” I said, “Let me take your picture! You look too cute.”

“Sorry,” she tells me. “No flash photography.”

*BLINK*

8 ) I think Mr. Sticks and I have hit a relationship first. For me, anyway. Kind of. Sort of. He started it!

I was using the bathroom at his house the other day, like LITERALLY sitting there peeing when he just walked in. On me. On me PEEING. In the bathroom. I must have stared at him in utter shock because he grinned and said, “Babe. We’re there.”

Um … okay. But then I couldn’t finish peeing while he stood there shaving. And he knew I was having a hard time because he goes, “Want me to run the water?”

Ugh. So embarrassing. I haven’t peed in front of someone since I was married! *Laugh*

 

By the way, that’s MY hand in that picture up there. HAHAHA Taken by the famous RE(tard). 

You Know What That Is? It’s GasLighting

Those are the words that My Cookie said to me when I was finished explaining the situation.

“Dude! You know what that is, don’t you? It’s Gas Lighting,” Cookie said to me.

“What the hell is Gas Lighting?” I ask.

“The term comes from an old movie starring Ingrid Bergman …” and as My RE(tard) went on, I listened and all of a sudden, I realized, HOLY HELL. My Cookie was right.

Okay, so what is Gas Lighting, you may ask just as I did? Let me give you the Wikipedia response to that:

From the film’s title, “gaslighting” has come to describe a pattern of psychological abuse in which the victim is gradually manipulated into doubting his or her own reality. This can involve physical tactics (such as moving or hiding objects) or emotional ones (such as denying one’s own abusive behavior to a victim.) The effect is to maintain the abuser’s self-image as a sympathetic person, while simultaneously priming the disoriented victim to believe that he or she is to blame for (potentially escalating) mistreatment.

Yep, I was Gas Lighted.

I’m Just Sayin …

1) I was IM’ing with Twitch the other day about some random shit when I sent him a link to You Tube, asking if he’s seen the Katy Perry video, Last Friday Night.

“Have you seen this?” I asked, inserting the link.

“No I haven’t seen this. I’m a 42-year-old man, not a 12-year-old girl,” he responded.

*Blink*

It’s amazing to me the pure amount of total sarcasm that came shining through in that Instant Message – just in text alone! LOVE IT. I cracked up and said, “But Debbie Gibson and Corey Feldmen are in it!”

He totally watched it.

2) I am worried about My Cookie. I called and left a voice mail in which I said, I Love You before hanging up. Apparently, Google Voice heard that as I Don’t Know.

I sort of feel that Google Voice KNOWS ME. Cuz really, as you all know, I just don’t know.

3) I need a home remedy for some serious whisker burn. Um, I know someone who has it on her chin. She looks like she has flaming red clown chin so any advice for her would be appreciated.

4) You know, if ever given the opportunity, it’s fun to take a walk at midnight in the moonlight with someone, each of you holding a martini glass filled with your favorite mixture. It is a word to the wise however, that notes things on the ground in the dark after consuming said martini’s that could be tripping hazards, and worse, spill your martini! EGADS!

5) ShaNaNa and I finally made it out for GNO this past week! All I can say is that it was about damn time. We had a great time, but then a friend of her boyfriend’s showed up and decided to hang out with us.

All.Night.Long.

*Sigh*

However, we did take a picture with this friend. When he posted it on FB, someone said, “You’re the meat in a hottie sandwich dude!”

Winning! For him. 

Emilee Stuff, Dad Stuff and QT Stuff

Emilee is gone with her dad for a week. A whole week.

*BLINK*

It’s one thing for me to travel a bit for work, as I’m away working, drinking, doing whatever. It’s a complete other thing to have HER gone from me for a week. As soon as I dropped her off at her dad’s, I drove away feeling …

Like shit.  :(

In other Emilee news, this past weekend, she in her most serious Emilee voice said, “Mom, when I grow up I think I’m going to work at Hooters,” with a bit of her thinking look. “They have a gift shop!”

Well. There is that.

——————-

I am not sure I have ever mentioned this before, but I’m a Daddy’s Girl. Admittedly. Proud of it. I have no issues with being a Daddy’s Girl. I, in fact, LOVE IT. Take pride in it.

So yesterday, when my dad knew I was down in the dumps without my girl, he offered to spend some time with his girl. AKA me. So we hit the mall. With his credit card. And just so you know, this was his idea and not mine.

WOO HOO! When I showed him a shirt I was buying (with  his credit card) he eyed at it for a minute and asked, “Where’s the rest of it?”

*Giggle*

So two pairs of shoes, one pair of jeans (skinny), three eye shadow’s, one mascara and four shirts later we came home, where I made my dad his favorite dinner.

It’s not often a girl that’s almost 40 gets that kind of spoiling from her daddy, I know.  Hmmm …

Yeah, I’m okay with that.

——————-

Random Esquire Loves My Vag! Vodka and Cologne

Once … long ago, My Cookie told me that I had to warn the man I was dating at the time that my vagina was … shall we say … um, large.

Actually, it went more like this.

“You should warn him.  You need to warn him that your vagina is the size of a canyon.”

And thus began our back and forth of the very graphic and very explicit insults of  … my vagina.

I believe we went from my Canyon-sized vag to my vag being the size of a two-car garage to my cobwebby vag (from lack of use) to my hollowed-out vag with the echo … and now we are at the black mold vag.

I just wanna say … does it seem to anyone else like RE focuses on my vag … a lot? 

THAT’S RIGHT BABY! Black mold or not, RE LOVES MY VAG!!

 

On another note, it came to my attention that I was out of vodka this week. I invited someone over for a drink (got shot down, btw) and realized that I had no vodka.

And I fixed that. Just so you all know.

 

Annnnnnnnnnnd in other news, I’m going to Germany. Anyone gonna be there in mid-Sept??

 

I Call Bullshit – An Open Letter

I’m calling bullshit. Serious bullshit. Right here, right now.

For almost two months now, I’ve been being ignored.  Forgotten. Like I never really mattered. I’ve been dismissed, methinks. And you know, I understand someone may have their own life to live, a life that perhaps is filled with things making someone busy. A work life that can make someone busy. A personal life, well forget that, someone doesn’t have a personal life. What I’m trying to say is that I realize life can, and often will, get in the way. I can deal with that.

I GET THAT.

What I can’t deal with and what I don’t get is that it’s been TWO MONTHS if not LONGER and I’m still sitting here scratching my head wondering what the hell is going on. What I don’t get is how someone can just forget all the fun we’ve had together. I mean, it’s US, you know? Everyone knows us as that happy couple. Everyone loves us together! And let’s face it here – it’s no big secret that we have FUN when we are together, all the time. We always have fun together. I bring my fun, you bring your fun and BAM. We have fun. Period.

And then, with zero explanation, it’s like I’m cut off. From ALL-IN to nothing. Not one damn word, and when I TRY to get a word? I got blown off instead.

So yeah, right here, right now, I’m calling bullshit.

So RANDOM ESQUIRE, you had better fix this shit and fix it NOW or I will NEVER let you in my two car vagina AGAIN. You have done a lot in these past two years to insult the shit out of me and NEVER has it worked.

Yet this time, you may have succeeded.

I expect flowers, diamonds and some fuckin’ attention. SOON.

*STOMP* DO I MAKE MYSELF CLEAR??

Hooteriphic, I Can Be Such a Chick, Lactose Intolerance and Other Randomness

1) I must thank a new(er) friend for introducing me to the term, “HOOTERIPHIC!” See, when you walk up the steps to say hi to her and she immediately yells that out? I figure my boobs just got the verbal equivalent of a thumbs up.

2) I was in an interesting situation this past Friday night. One that upset me to the point of crying about it on Saturday morning. Does anyone else become emotional (like spewing tears) when they are sleep-deprived? GOD, I hate that about me. I can be such a … girl at times like that. Blech.

3) I find it hilarious to hear two grown men talk … delicately to each other about certain things. I overheard the conversation of  one saying to another, “I can be … lactose intolerant.”

Which basically means he either farts up a shit-storm or shits his pants.

The other responded with “Yes, I have some of those issues myself.”

Which basically means he too, either farts up a shit-storm or shits his pants.

New(er) friend and I stared at each other before busting out laughing at the … delicacy of the shit-storms.

4) Yet another night this past weekend, a friend of mine looked around frantically and yelled, “Where’s the phone charger?! I need to take it to the bathroom!”

*Blink*

Well, okay then.

5) So while we all know how much I enjoy the Irish accent, there is a man I met recently who has an English accent. And let me just say … Mmmmmmmmm Hmmmmmmmm.

6) I thought Random Esquire broke up with me. Then I got this text:

“Miss you! Love you! Kiss you! Hug You!

Cop a Feel “

AWH! How sweet!

7) I’m off to San Francisco this week my friends, I may be blogging a bit … maybe some fun pics. Maybe some fun beer. Maybe some fun QT. Maybe Maybe Maybe.

8 ) I think it’s important that you all know, a girl I know on Facebook posted about how she sprained her toe, and I didn’t comment on how I hope it wasn’t her camel toe, because I’m an adult.

*Laugh*

Have a great week my friends!

That’s A Lotta Soap, Fireworks and Booze

1) I think my liver is about to kick my own ass. Seriously.

Admittedly, I had an absolutely fabulous weekend. Yet even on those nights when I don’t plan on drinking that much, it’s like … the booze finds me. FINDS ME I tell you! One beer, two beer, three beer, more! And once that starts, of course someone always sends a shot or two my way. Or perhaps a martini. Regardless, it’s like my own sensibility of saying no to that one last drink is … never present. Ever.

I do believe I love this about me.

2) So at one point this weekend, I was a friend’s house having that last above-mentioned drink when I excused myself to use their bathroom.

After I peed, I went to the sink to wash my  hands and saw … this:

Admittedly, I stood there for a minute and stared before I busted out laughing. I mean, seriously, that’s a lotta soap right there folks.  And, for your information, I chose the one immediately to the right of the faucet. But, because I had been drinking, I don’t remember which scent it was. However, it was nice to know if I didn’t like that scent, I had so many more to choose from.

3) I saw some fireworks this past weekend.  I’ll let you guys use your imagination on that one.

Some of ‘Dis, Some of ‘Dat

1) I’ve been in a bit of a blogging-funk lately, I haven’t known what to say, really. The thing is, there is SO much to say that I haven’t said anything. How’s that for a kick in the ass?

2) This past weekend, I had a class reunion – sort of. It was a grade school reunion. Which was interesting, because as you may remember I did date someone from grade school about a year ago (McP). I was happy to see him show up however, as I did try to remain friendly with him. Thankfully it wasn’t awkward, until I stared at him remembering how he was the single worst sexual experience I’ve ever had. Yeah that made it a bit awkward. Then I remembered that HE doesn’t know I think that, so we were back to good.

3) I went to a wedding with my ShaNaNa. I was her date. On the way there, I remembered that I had forgotten to put on deodorant. When I was like “Dude! Dammit! I forgot deodorant!” I got the “How can you forget that?” question back. It’s a good question isn’t it? Typically I like to get dressed first and THEN put my deodorant on – as to avoid the white marks on any of my clothes. And as I was wearing a black dress that evening, I definitely didn’t want any of the marks. Regardless, when I answered her I was more like “Dude you don’t want a stinky date, let’s get me some.”

I think that’s a good answer to give any date, really. I mean, who wants a stinky date? Not I.

4) When my mom called me this morning, she informed me that she loves me.

Pretty much I thought she was calling just to tell me she loves me. So when I told her I loved her too, and that I’d see her for dinner tonight (as we had dinner plans), she then cancelled.

And then said, “But at least you know I love you.”

*Laugh* Thanks mommy. That made it better.

5) Googlie, Twitch and I have been working together for over five years now. When I mentioned this to them in our afternoon chat the other day, I said it was like a Boob Anniversary.

They looked at each other and asked why.

I said, “I dunno, you guys mean as much to me as my own boobs do.”

Twitch grinned and said, “Awwwwwwww.”

I know, right? I’m sweet.

6) Okay hot off the presses, it is true. Random Esquire and I?

We are friends. Good friends. But we do not have the sex.

A lot.  HAHAHAHHA

Okay okay, nothing is going on. We tease, we have fun, we confide in each other. Yes I get flowers from my Cookie, and yes we make incredibly good bloggie buddies, but we do not have the sex.

A lot.

7) Last week, I was sitting with The Boobs when Twitch said, “In hindsight, allowing girls into our treehouse would have been a great idea.”

*Laugh*

Seriously good point!

8 ) And now I’ll leave you all with a wise word from QT: If they EVER put a DUI checkpoint at a Taco Bell drive-thru, it’s safe to say we’re all screwed.

Moving … Forward

After any good break-up, there are a few essential things that must be done. At least in QT-Land.

For me, one essential is getting out my box set of Sex and the City, sitting down with a delicious martini and watching season after season. For this break up, I specifically chose to start with Season Six … Berger. Ahh Jack Berger, I did love me some him. He made me laugh, he made me smile, he made me frown. In the end, his insecurities got the best of him, methinks. How familiar.

Yet my favorite part, my absolute FAVORITE part is when Big calls Carrie, to ask how things are “with … what’s his name? Hot Dog?”  Best.Part.Ever. I think it’s the sarcasm from Big, that oh-so-Big sarcasm that has me grinning time after time. I so enjoy that about Big.

Essential number two is spending some time … not going through this alone. Poor ShaNaNa is probably sick to death of me talking and talking and talking and talking to her about everything. Even when she tries to switch the topic, I can almost seamlessly bring the conversation back around to the break up. Okay, well, maybe not so seamlessly. It’s actually more like ignoring what she’s talking to me about and then talk to her about me some more.  *Laugh* Thank the Lord she loves me enough to put up with me on most days. Except when I eat White Castle in her car, then not so much.