Short Meets, Shelf Hips, Regenerating Livers and Drunk-Dialing MindyMom

As you may have read from my previous post, I refuse to ‘date’ any longer! It is my opinion that dating sucks.

The only people who think dating is fun … are married people.

Now, instead of doing the dreaded dating, I’m instead doing ‘meets’.  And last night, I had what I will call, an impromptu ‘meet’.  So I met the dude for drinks. (Don’t laugh at meets, they work in my mind!)

Aaaaaaaaand here comes the part that made me wake up this morning laughing …

Emilee Stuff, Dad Stuff and QT Stuff

Emilee is gone with her dad for a week. A whole week.

*BLINK*

It’s one thing for me to travel a bit for work, as I’m away working, drinking, doing whatever. It’s a complete other thing to have HER gone from me for a week. As soon as I dropped her off at her dad’s, I drove away feeling …

Like shit.  :(

In other Emilee news, this past weekend, she in her most serious Emilee voice said, “Mom, when I grow up I think I’m going to work at Hooters,” with a bit of her thinking look. “They have a gift shop!”

Well. There is that.

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I am not sure I have ever mentioned this before, but I’m a Daddy’s Girl. Admittedly. Proud of it. I have no issues with being a Daddy’s Girl. I, in fact, LOVE IT. Take pride in it.

So yesterday, when my dad knew I was down in the dumps without my girl, he offered to spend some time with his girl. AKA me. So we hit the mall. With his credit card. And just so you know, this was his idea and not mine.

WOO HOO! When I showed him a shirt I was buying (with  his credit card) he eyed at it for a minute and asked, “Where’s the rest of it?”

*Giggle*

So two pairs of shoes, one pair of jeans (skinny), three eye shadow’s, one mascara and four shirts later we came home, where I made my dad his favorite dinner.

It’s not often a girl that’s almost 40 gets that kind of spoiling from her daddy, I know.  Hmmm …

Yeah, I’m okay with that.

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Random Esquire Loves My Vag! Vodka and Cologne

Once … long ago, My Cookie told me that I had to warn the man I was dating at the time that my vagina was … shall we say … um, large.

Actually, it went more like this.

“You should warn him.  You need to warn him that your vagina is the size of a canyon.”

And thus began our back and forth of the very graphic and very explicit insults of  … my vagina.

I believe we went from my Canyon-sized vag to my vag being the size of a two-car garage to my cobwebby vag (from lack of use) to my hollowed-out vag with the echo … and now we are at the black mold vag.

I just wanna say … does it seem to anyone else like RE focuses on my vag … a lot? 

THAT’S RIGHT BABY! Black mold or not, RE LOVES MY VAG!!

 

On another note, it came to my attention that I was out of vodka this week. I invited someone over for a drink (got shot down, btw) and realized that I had no vodka.

And I fixed that. Just so you all know.

 

Annnnnnnnnnnd in other news, I’m going to Germany. Anyone gonna be there in mid-Sept??

 

Weekend Bests

It was one of those good, plain fun weekends. Thought I’d share a few of the “Bests” …

Best Picture:  A text message pic I got from MindyMom showing her, Danielle and T all together smiling at me from Min’s phone.  DAMMIT I WAS SO JEALOUS. You know what would have made that pic even Best-ier? Me in it.

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Best Kid Moment: Emilee was playing on her DS when all of a sudden I hear …

“What the HELL!” from her.

“Hey!” I said, while I stared at her. She turned to look at me and said,

“Oh. I forgot you were here.”

Um …

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Best Food: Thick cut juicy cooked to perfection … Bacon.

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Best Pick-Up Line: “Hi! Are you from Tennessee?” an eligible man asked me.

“No, I’m from here,” I tell him, smiling.

“Well, you’re the only ten I see!” he said.

*Blink*

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Best Martini: Strawberry Fizz. MMMMMMMMMM ….

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Best Text Message:

RE: Be sure to let people know that you had that thing inspected for black mold before you let anyone in.

QT: What thing?

RE: Your moist Vag.

*BLINK*

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Best Driving Moment: The dude next to me in the ‘Smart Car’ checking me out.

Um. Are you not aware of that universal law that people in smart cars look stupid?

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Best Phone Call: My  hour-long chat with MindyMom.

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Best Thought: I don’t get drunk. I get awesome.

 

Aaaaaaaaand that about covers it. Tell me some of your bests.

Weird Thing of the Week

Well, it’s been a while since I’ve posted a Weird Thing of the Week, hasn’t it? But this thing, this weird thing, was so random and SO weird I just had to let you all in on it.

Last night, shortly after 9:00pm, my phone rang. I didn’t recognize the number but it was local so I answered, thinking it was one of Em’s friends. Alas my fabulous readers, I was mistaken.

“Hello?” I answered.

“Hi QT! This is Harry Frank*,” says a voice I don’t recognize.

*Silence*

“Um. Okay?” I answer, not sure who the hell I’m talking to.

“We dated a while ago,” he says.

WTF. We did? I didn’t recognize his name, I didn’t recognize his voice, and I admit it, I was stumped.

“Oh. Okay, well …” I kind of sputtered out.

“I think I made a mistake,” he said. “I remember you to be fun, interesting and above all, beautiful!” he told me.

*Silence*

Blowholes and Movie Stars, Airport Friends and San Fran

In the land of QT, when there are many drinks being consumed, QT makes herself some notes in her phone to remember things to blog about. Because of course, drinking like I’m homeless does sometimes affect my memory. So I opened my Memo’s this morning and found this:

1) Blowholes?

I stared for a minute at this truly trying to remember what the hell I was trying to remember, when it hit me. Blowholes! So in San Francisco, someone was telling me a story about a man dying by falling into a blowhole. I kinda looked around at the others at the table, cuz really, in my head, all I can think of is … a blowhole? As in, on a whale??

And I’m thinking he fell into a whale’s blowhole? WTF how does something like that even happen?!

I knew, even in the middle of the 29 drinks I had, that my thinking was incorrect but … still I was hesitant to say something, he seemed so sad and so sure of what happened.

See I don’t live near an ocean, I’ve never lived near an ocean, I don’t get … ocean things.  I just knew that my imagery of a man falling into a whale’s blowhole was probably incorrect. I also knew that laughing (because honestly, that image in my own head kinda made me want to giggle) was the wrong way to react as well. So instead I just kept my mouth shut and looked sad too.

And that is how it works in QT land.

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While in San Francisco, I was waiting for the elevator with some friends when I look at a man standing in front of us and realize …

*HOLY SHIT*

IT’S THIS GUY:

Hooteriphic, I Can Be Such a Chick, Lactose Intolerance and Other Randomness

1) I must thank a new(er) friend for introducing me to the term, “HOOTERIPHIC!” See, when you walk up the steps to say hi to her and she immediately yells that out? I figure my boobs just got the verbal equivalent of a thumbs up.

2) I was in an interesting situation this past Friday night. One that upset me to the point of crying about it on Saturday morning. Does anyone else become emotional (like spewing tears) when they are sleep-deprived? GOD, I hate that about me. I can be such a … girl at times like that. Blech.

3) I find it hilarious to hear two grown men talk … delicately to each other about certain things. I overheard the conversation of  one saying to another, “I can be … lactose intolerant.”

Which basically means he either farts up a shit-storm or shits his pants.

The other responded with “Yes, I have some of those issues myself.”

Which basically means he too, either farts up a shit-storm or shits his pants.

New(er) friend and I stared at each other before busting out laughing at the … delicacy of the shit-storms.

4) Yet another night this past weekend, a friend of mine looked around frantically and yelled, “Where’s the phone charger?! I need to take it to the bathroom!”

*Blink*

Well, okay then.

5) So while we all know how much I enjoy the Irish accent, there is a man I met recently who has an English accent. And let me just say … Mmmmmmmmm Hmmmmmmmm.

6) I thought Random Esquire broke up with me. Then I got this text:

“Miss you! Love you! Kiss you! Hug You!

Cop a Feel “

AWH! How sweet!

7) I’m off to San Francisco this week my friends, I may be blogging a bit … maybe some fun pics. Maybe some fun beer. Maybe some fun QT. Maybe Maybe Maybe.

8 ) I think it’s important that you all know, a girl I know on Facebook posted about how she sprained her toe, and I didn’t comment on how I hope it wasn’t her camel toe, because I’m an adult.

*Laugh*

Have a great week my friends!

That’s A Lotta Soap, Fireworks and Booze

1) I think my liver is about to kick my own ass. Seriously.

Admittedly, I had an absolutely fabulous weekend. Yet even on those nights when I don’t plan on drinking that much, it’s like … the booze finds me. FINDS ME I tell you! One beer, two beer, three beer, more! And once that starts, of course someone always sends a shot or two my way. Or perhaps a martini. Regardless, it’s like my own sensibility of saying no to that one last drink is … never present. Ever.

I do believe I love this about me.

2) So at one point this weekend, I was a friend’s house having that last above-mentioned drink when I excused myself to use their bathroom.

After I peed, I went to the sink to wash my  hands and saw … this:

Admittedly, I stood there for a minute and stared before I busted out laughing. I mean, seriously, that’s a lotta soap right there folks.  And, for your information, I chose the one immediately to the right of the faucet. But, because I had been drinking, I don’t remember which scent it was. However, it was nice to know if I didn’t like that scent, I had so many more to choose from.

3) I saw some fireworks this past weekend.  I’ll let you guys use your imagination on that one.

It’s All in the Moods

Once upon a time, I dated a man I shall call, “Moody Dude”.  And yes, it’s clearly that obvious. He was frickin’ moody.

It’s not easy dating such a moody man, because the moods affected the … dating. One minute he was utterly happy – happy to see me, happy to be there, happy happy happy! Loving, sweet, kind, caring, wanted to hang out with me. It was a nice feeling, for both of us (at least in my opinion).

And the next moment, he was under some strain. Or maybe he was tired. Or maybe life wasn’t going the way he wanted at that exact moment. Or hell, maybe it was just a shit day. And then it wasn’t such a nice feeling anymore (at least in my opinion) because it was these moods that affected me too. There was no longer the loving, sweet, kind and caring guy wanting to hang out with me. What was left was a … Shrek-like Ogre.

It was confusing for me, honestly. Kind of a large mystery. Like where did the happy guy go? Can I do something to help (and what to do when the answer was an obvious no)? It became almost a trick to get from here to there, from ugliness to sheer bliss without being drawn into a war of words.

As I said to ShaNaNa, Moody Guy’s moods are like a box of chocolates …. you never know what yer gonna get.

Drunk Decisions

Dammit.

This world would be a much better place if I stopped making decisions when I was drunk. I can count on one hand just how many times I woke up after a drunken’ night going … Well that was a good idea!

Yet another fine example of my drunk decisions happened this past Friday night, when I apparently decided it was a good idea to take advantage of the free shots they were handing out at the bar (damn you, Black Malibu!) and then promptly decided it was a good idea to make a phone call.

A phone call that I honestly, barely remember making. What I do remember is waking up the next day and having that feeling that something is just not quite right. I took a look at my text messages from the night before, and that is when I realized … UT OH.  Why you may ask? Because I deleted them. Every single last one of them.

And I ONLY do that when I’m drunk and did something stupid.

So I did what any normal girl the age of 38 does. I groaned, rolled over and laughed. How the hell am I going to fix something I don’t remember doing, but knowing I did it?

DAMN YOU BLACK MALIBU!!

In addition to the bad decisions and the searching of my phone, I did find something else to laugh at.

Some new contacts! The best part is my naming structure when I’m drunk and adding contacts!

First we have Pretty Jon. Apparently I met Jon and he was … Pretty?

Then we have Kip NEVER EVER Pick Up. WTF! Apparently I knew even in the drunkenness I shouldn’t be answering this dude’s call.

Then I found this dude, which even when I sober I had to laugh at. Sometimes, I just crack myself up.

Asshat Player – I think this one is pretty self-explanatory.

So once the phone was cleaned out and back to normal, I thought long and hard about how to apologize for something I knew I did but didn’t remember doing. Yep, that’s not exactly an easy thing to do.

And you know, that was ONLY Friday night. It was the beginning of one helluva weekend my friends! QT-Style.

More to come …

PS – Happy Father’s Day to all of my daddy bloggy friends!