Ya Know What?

1)  Emilee is turning NINE next month. NINE. This will be her last year in the single digits, EVER. That’s a big deal to me. SNIFF.

2) Heading to Manhattan at the end of January. Drinking it up New York style, my friends!

3) My favorite FB status this week: “Sorry about all the typos lately, gays.” <– LOVE LOVE LOVE! I literally, laugh out loud when I think of this.

4) Thinks it’s important that you know that my two car vagina is not filled with cobwebs at the moment. Much to Random Esquire’s dismay. Cuz My Cookie loves my vag to be all cobwebby.

5) This past weekend, while laying in bed with Mr. Sticks, I asked him a question that I think he may have answered in a … sexist way.

His response to me, well, let’s just say that I did the *BLINK* for a second before laughing. A lot.

“I’m not sexist! Being sexist is wrong and being wrong is for women.”

Um … HAHAHHAHA

6) Today we had our weekly team meeting. Upon arriving at the meeting room (the table in the room where I sit) I am greeted by The Boobs in this manner:

“Don’t sit there!” as I go to sit in a certain comfey seat. This was said with such urgency I kind of did that half-sitting yet half-halting myself FROM sitting sweet move.

“OMG, why, what happened?” I asked, as I managed to right myself into a standing position.

“Nothing,” says Twitch as he manhandles me out-of-the-way. “I want to sit here.”

*BLINK*

7) Em looked super cute the other night when she had … I dunno, something cute going on.

“Em!” I said, “Let me take your picture! You look too cute.”

“Sorry,” she tells me. “No flash photography.”

*BLINK*

8 ) I think Mr. Sticks and I have hit a relationship first. For me, anyway. Kind of. Sort of. He started it!

I was using the bathroom at his house the other day, like LITERALLY sitting there peeing when he just walked in. On me. On me PEEING. In the bathroom. I must have stared at him in utter shock because he grinned and said, “Babe. We’re there.”

Um … okay. But then I couldn’t finish peeing while he stood there shaving. And he knew I was having a hard time because he goes, “Want me to run the water?”

Ugh. So embarrassing. I haven’t peed in front of someone since I was married! *Laugh*

 

By the way, that’s MY hand in that picture up there. HAHAHA Taken by the famous RE(tard). 

Happy New Beer!

I am not making any resolutions this year, my friends. Honestly I’m still working on the resolutions I made in 2007. *Laugh* I am however, hoping that that the New Year brings me the ridiculously unattainable things that 2011 didn’t!

I think the last few blog postings have been so centered on family, death and grieving that it’s time to get you guys caught up on what I originally started this blog about! Bacon, Booze, Boys and Beer!

• Christmas Eve festivities were held at my house this year, in which I centered all aspects of food around … you guessed it. Bacon! We had Bacon-Wrapped Water Chestnuts to start, a Bacon Herb Crusted Beef Tenderloin for the main course, accompanied by shots of Bacon Vodka to those who wanted to cleanse their pallet before eating the beef, Bacon and Cheddar Cheese Biscuits, Roasted Red Potatoes with Bacon and of course, to complete the meal, Brioche Bread Pudding – this of course, has bacon in it. Let me just say that yes, perhaps a few people stared in shock at all of the bacon, but you know what else?
  Not a damn one of them complained.
• I can only talk so much about booze, but seriously, booze is awesome. I think that about covers it.

The Pigeon and The Statue

Once upon a time in a land further north, I wrote this post:

The Pigeon and The Statue

I would say I suppose, that it still holds true for most relationships.

Unless in that so-called relationship, you become nothing but the statue to the other person. And that my friends, is when it becomes time to …

*Laugh*

That’s the thing, to what? To become someone else’s statue?

You tell me … finish this for me. I need to hear something other than my own thoughts.

 

Tex-Ass, Em the Vampire, Roses and RE

1) So tomorrow, I’m heading to Texas for some work-related things. I’m only there a couple of days, and most of my time is filled up BUT I am looking forward to some warmer weather (hello 80 degrees!) and to two good nights out! I can flat-out party in Houston I have a feeling! Any suggestions on where to go??

2) Yesterday was Halloween. Emilee, my little darling, was a vampire and if I do say so myself, she looked great. I did her make-up including hollowed-out eyes, white skin, blood dripping from the corners of her mouth and crazy hair. This year, we headed over to her aunt’s house so that she could trick or treat with her cousins. And this year, she went from house to house for three hours. I had to force her to stop because her bag was so heavy she was having her dad or I carry it, and well, cuz I was damned tired of walking around.

3) Also, yesterday when we got home from work/school, we pull into the driveway and see these at my front door:

I, of course, being the huge sucker that I am for flowers, start ooohing and awing. Em and I jumped out of the car and run to the front door where we both bend down to sniff at the flowers when she says, “Do you think Gavin sent these to me?”

*Blink*

Awwwwww!

Wait. Wait just a damn minute. Gavin! Gavin who? I looked at her and said, “Well, let’s read the card!”

And she was sad when they weren’t from Gavin, who by the way, is her new major crush at school since she broke up with her other boyfriend. She sounds like who, do you guys know?  *Laugh*

4) And let me just point out, those roses? So NOT from RE(tard).

So, what do I have to say to that?

I call Bullshit. AGAIN.

Alive, Well and Florida!

Hi all! I know it’s been forever since a post …

And it’s going to be a while longer! As you may remember, my yearly birthday trip to Florida with my ShaNaNa is upon us! That’s right, fun, sun, BOOZE, ShaNaNa, boys (for me, she has a boyfriend!), BOOZE, dancing, bacon and most of all ….

BOOZE.

I’ll be back in a coupla’ weeks. Until then, be good all. I have some great blogs to write upon my return!!

What’s A QT To Do …

After a douchebag?

I think it’s important to get yourself up, dust yourself off from all of the bullshit you were apparently rolling around in, and get over it.

So, that’s what I did. I got up, dusted myself off and decided to accept an invitation from a man for a … “meet”.  (Yes, I’m back to Meets!)

Now the interesting thing about this particular man is the fact that he is …

Gorgeous.

Utterly beautiful. Downright hot. Women stared at him wherever we went. Men stared at him wherever we went. I introduced him to a friend of mine, who is and always has been gay. He stared at my Meet. Then he stared some more. And then he looked at me and said, “I suddenly feel conflicted.”

*Laugh*

You know what I did? I stereotyped. I absolutely stereotyped this man because of what he looks like. And yes, probably because of the douchbag and my fair share of them over the years.

BAD BAD QT!

You know how that goes. Men that look like him are typically jerks. Men that look the way he does don’t have to treat women well because they have women fawning all over them. A man who looks like him would never want to date me. Blah Blah, I could go on and on.

Instead, I’d just like to say that I was the jerk for stereotyping this guy. Cuz really, he just proved me wrong. A whole heckuva lot wrong. Once I realized just how wrong I was, I actually laughed at myself.

I’m not saying he’s my boyfriend, I’m not saying it’s going anywhere. What I am saying, is that I had a great meet (that turned into two meets) with an extremely enjoyable, handsome man.

And yeah, that old favorite saying of mine is true.

Never judge a martini by its color. 

DoucheBag

Dear Sunshine, Dancing and Arms Guy (aka “Douchebag”):

I represent one Ms. QTMama. It has come to my unfortunate attention that my services have become necessary in order to facilitate an effective parting of the ways.

It seems that you have 1) misrepresented yourself, 2) continued to pursue women via a website, 3) lied about said pursuit despite obvious evidence to the contrary, and 4) upon being fired from your position as boyfriend, you attempted to resign.

I would now like to correct you on a few matters. First: You are no prince. Second: As a vibrant, fun, loving woman, my client deserves your undivided attention. Third: Telling my client lies is foolhardy. Fourth: You can’t resign from your position as boyfriend if you’ve already been summarily dismissed with a text message that states, quite clearly: “You are a douchebag.”

As is always the case in these matters, a clean break works to the mutual benefit of both parties. To that end, I’d like to reiterate that, as a douchebag, you are no longer welcome or acceptable as a part of my client’s life. As you are fond of having the last word, I’d like to offer the following list of anticipated responses and rebuttals:

Anticipated Douchebag Response: “I’m breaking up with you.”

Rebuttal: No, Douchebag, QT has already broken up with you. Please see earlier text message: “You are a douchebag.”

Anticipated Douchebag Response: ”I wasn’t on that website. It lies.”

Rebuttal: My client is not an idiot. Please don’t make me cockpunch you.

Anticipated Douchebag Response: ”I’m sorry.”

Rebuttal: My client declines your attempt at reconciliation and forgiveness.

Anticipated Douchebag Response: ”Can we please talk about this?”

Rebuttal: My client is unimpressed with your communication and comprehension skills already. Any additional talking will only reinforce this. As such, I suggest you shut your piehole.

Anticipated Douchebag Response: “Can we try again in the future?”

Rebuttal: My client has already formulated a back-up plan should she find herself single at 50. She will be marrying me and we will be settling down together. I will enjoy her two car vagina and she will enjoy my wit, conversation, company, fabulous sense of humor, legal skills, and spending my money. Until such time, she prefers to take her chances with men other than yourself and politely declines your offer of future engagements.

Thank you for your time and attention.

Most sincerely,

Random Esquire

The Cat and The Bag

Well, I think the time has come to let you all in on something I have been keeping to myself for a while now. Something kinda big for me and something that I find myself surprised to say, is not in the least bit scary for me. And you guys know me … this type of thing usually has WORRY written across my forehead in wrinkles.

Some of you know, as I’ve drunk-texted pictures. *Laugh*

Sorry Min.

And Cookie.

And ShaNaNa.

I’m Just Sayin …

1) I was IM’ing with Twitch the other day about some random shit when I sent him a link to You Tube, asking if he’s seen the Katy Perry video, Last Friday Night.

“Have you seen this?” I asked, inserting the link.

“No I haven’t seen this. I’m a 42-year-old man, not a 12-year-old girl,” he responded.

*Blink*

It’s amazing to me the pure amount of total sarcasm that came shining through in that Instant Message – just in text alone! LOVE IT. I cracked up and said, “But Debbie Gibson and Corey Feldmen are in it!”

He totally watched it.

2) I am worried about My Cookie. I called and left a voice mail in which I said, I Love You before hanging up. Apparently, Google Voice heard that as I Don’t Know.

I sort of feel that Google Voice KNOWS ME. Cuz really, as you all know, I just don’t know.

3) I need a home remedy for some serious whisker burn. Um, I know someone who has it on her chin. She looks like she has flaming red clown chin so any advice for her would be appreciated.

4) You know, if ever given the opportunity, it’s fun to take a walk at midnight in the moonlight with someone, each of you holding a martini glass filled with your favorite mixture. It is a word to the wise however, that notes things on the ground in the dark after consuming said martini’s that could be tripping hazards, and worse, spill your martini! EGADS!

5) ShaNaNa and I finally made it out for GNO this past week! All I can say is that it was about damn time. We had a great time, but then a friend of her boyfriend’s showed up and decided to hang out with us.

All.Night.Long.

*Sigh*

However, we did take a picture with this friend. When he posted it on FB, someone said, “You’re the meat in a hottie sandwich dude!”

Winning! For him. 

I Like Strings, Dammit!

This past week, something was in the air for me. I had dates, I had parties, I had boys flocking for some reason, but mostly I had … fun.

What I didn’t have, was sex.

Believe me when I say, I’m okay with that. But it did get me to thinking, because you see, it all boils down to this for me:

I am not the No Strings Attached girl.

I can try, I can put effort into it, hell, I have tried! I have put effort into it! I have tried to be that girl! And every time, every damn time, I failed! *Laugh*

So the time has come, when I have to say fuck it and give up. I am just not that girl. I like connecting emotionally with a man I choose to have sex with. And if I can’t connect emotionally with him, it seems the sex is always just … so-so. And I’d rather have better than so-so sex. I want the balls-out-amazing sex that I know I can have when I’m emotionally connected to a man, and I want that …

Every damn time.