Those are the words that My Cookie said to me when I was finished explaining the situation.
“Dude! You know what that is, don’t you? It’s Gas Lighting,” Cookie said to me.
“What the hell is Gas Lighting?” I ask.
“The term comes from an old movie starring Ingrid Bergman …” and as My RE(tard) went on, I listened and all of a sudden, I realized, HOLY HELL. My Cookie was right.
Okay, so what is Gas Lighting, you may ask just as I did? Let me give you the Wikipedia response to that:
From the film’s title, “gaslighting” has come to describe a pattern of psychological abuse in which the victim is gradually manipulated into doubting his or her own reality. This can involve physical tactics (such as moving or hiding objects) or emotional ones (such as denying one’s own abusive behavior to a victim.) The effect is to maintain the abuser’s self-image as a sympathetic person, while simultaneously priming the disoriented victim to believe that he or she is to blame for (potentially escalating) mistreatment.
Yep, I was Gas Lighted.
It is hard for me to say I was psychologically abused, because I honestly do feel uncomfortable saying that. I can say however, quite comfortably, that I was led to doubt my own reality. That I was led to believe that this other person was sympathetic to my needs, while having me believe I was to blame. Never once did this person say my feelings were real or give any validity to them. Instead, I was told I was to blame and was never given an apology. And that my friends, is a classic case of Gas Lighting. Yep, My Cookie made a damn good point.
And now that I see the action for what it really is, I’m amazed at just how much it actually happens in real life. How someone can make you doubt your own reality, to see their actions as heartfelt and sympathetic when really, it’s simply a way of denying their own guilt at the reality. It dawned on me though that the problem is, gaslighting is crafty. It plays on our fears, our anxiety, our wishes to be understood, appreciated, and loved. When someone we trust, respect, or love speaks with great certainty – especially if there’s a grain of truth in her words, or if she’s hit on one of our pet anxieties – it can be very difficult not to believe her.
So it was hard for me to admit to myself, truly, that I wasn’t to blame. Yet when I did, I stopped all of the what if’s and the doubt. That my feelings were valid and that her actions were disheartening.
I think though, more importantly, is that now that I recognized what Gas Lighting truly is, I can stop doing this myself.
Yep, thanks to My Cookie, maybe today I am a QT with a two car vagina that is just a bit smarter.
[Theatrical poster courtesy of http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gaslight_(1944_film)]
Down with gaslighting!
I first learned about the term in an article about men who call women crazy. Two particularly insightful passages:
“Those who engage in gaslighting create a reaction — whether it’s anger, frustration, sadness — in the person they are dealing with. Then, when that person reacts, the gaslighter makes them feel uncomfortable and insecure by behaving as if their feelings aren’t rational or normal.”
and
“But gaslighting can be as simple as someone smiling and saying something like, “You’re so sensitive,” to somebody else. Such a comment may seem innocuous enough, but in that moment, the speaker is making a judgment about how someone else should feel.”
Like you, it made me identify it for what it was and made me much more aware of my own words.
much love,
-Cookie
That is the perfect term for it. It has happened to me in the past, I nearly lost my job, and my sense of self because of it. Luckily I came to my senses before that happened, and dumped the idiot that was doing it. Yet I know that he blames me for everything, and if I was still under his influence I would too. I am now very careful about anyone trying to tell me how to feel.
Good for you, Tina! Love it!
I have never heard that term before, and with RE’s further explanation it really gives me food for thought.
Unfortunately I am VERY familiar with this term but through my experiences have learned to identify it quickly (now) when I see it. Sorry you got a dose and got sucked into doubting yourself but am so glad RE helped you through it.
A friend told me about that movie too. I watched it and, yep, that’s what my soon-to-be-X was doing to me. So glad he’s now my X. Heh.
Hmm I suppose you learn something new everyday! Very interesting perspective and it exists so often. I am going through something similar at the moment and wasn’t until I read this that I realized what exactly is going on. Makes sense in a fd up kinda way.
It can especially be painful when one of your best life long friends does it to you and convinces some of your other friends that you are “emotionally sick”..lying and doing “CYA” when some of us tried to help her out of an abusive situation…classic domestic abuse victim behavior!
marilyn m.