Dear Sunshine, Dancing and Arms Guy (aka “Douchebag”):
I represent one Ms. QTMama. It has come to my unfortunate attention that my services have become necessary in order to facilitate an effective parting of the ways.
It seems that you have 1) misrepresented yourself, 2) continued to pursue women via a website, 3) lied about said pursuit despite obvious evidence to the contrary, and 4) upon being fired from your position as boyfriend, you attempted to resign.
I would now like to correct you on a few matters. First: You are no prince. Second: As a vibrant, fun, loving woman, my client deserves your undivided attention. Third: Telling my client lies is foolhardy. Fourth: You can’t resign from your position as boyfriend if you’ve already been summarily dismissed with a text message that states, quite clearly: “You are a douchebag.”
As is always the case in these matters, a clean break works to the mutual benefit of both parties. To that end, I’d like to reiterate that, as a douchebag, you are no longer welcome or acceptable as a part of my client’s life. As you are fond of having the last word, I’d like to offer the following list of anticipated responses and rebuttals:
Anticipated Douchebag Response: “I’m breaking up with you.”
Rebuttal: No, Douchebag, QT has already broken up with you. Please see earlier text message: “You are a douchebag.”
Anticipated Douchebag Response: ”I wasn’t on that website. It lies.”
Rebuttal: My client is not an idiot. Please don’t make me cockpunch you.
Anticipated Douchebag Response: ”I’m sorry.”
Rebuttal: My client declines your attempt at reconciliation and forgiveness.
Anticipated Douchebag Response: ”Can we please talk about this?”
Rebuttal: My client is unimpressed with your communication and comprehension skills already. Any additional talking will only reinforce this. As such, I suggest you shut your piehole.
Anticipated Douchebag Response: “Can we try again in the future?”
Rebuttal: My client has already formulated a back-up plan should she find herself single at 50. She will be marrying me and we will be settling down together. I will enjoy her two car vagina and she will enjoy my wit, conversation, company, fabulous sense of humor, legal skills, and spending my money. Until such time, she prefers to take her chances with men other than yourself and politely declines your offer of future engagements.
Thank you for your time and attention.
Most sincerely,
[...] Unfortunately, my services have again become necessary. For follow-up, please see QT’s most recent entry here. [...]
Sad for QT…. but loving this letter!
It’s so unfortunate that there are so many douchebags out there.
It’s good that you have such good legal counsel, however. RE comes in handy for more than just the obvious. heh.
Well, just goes to show that 1 red flag is too many and your gut is always right.
XOXO
It’s good that QT has retained such a reliable RE for these matters!
Men suck. Even RE. I mean, great letter, yes, but why are you 2 waiting until QT is 50? FTW??? Just get together already and get on with your lives. You’ll surely find other things to blog about.
Love you QT. Yeah, and you too, RE.
Actually, that’s a good point. What the hell are you two waiting for anyhow, hmmmmmm????
Dear KissyFace:
Currently, QT’s vagina only has room for one car. However, I plan to purchase a midlife crisis car and then will need a two-car vagina. I am giving QT time to ramp-up, so to speak.
Sincerely,
RE
BTW, if you and RE are NOT going to get together, and will keep stringing the rest of us along while you giggle over your martinis, then I think *all* of your BFs from here on shall be called “Douchebag.” At least until they sufficiently prove themselves worthy of your love and adoration. Only THEN shall you change their name to something more appropriate and deserving. This will save you, QT, all sorts of crap in coming up with cool names for BFs.
xoxo
kf
RE: Men’s midlife crisis cars are usually hot little sports jobs, so QT’s vajayjay should be perfectly sized right now. You’re such a procrastinator.
I second what Mindy said. So sorry QT.
Boys are dumb. Throw rocks at them.
However………Next!
UGH…men suck. Lying men really, really suck. Good luck!
Men suck.
Thank god I’ll never date one.
This also proves that men are idiots. I mean, who could have QT as a girlfriend and still think they can find something better?
He’s a Dumbass and a Douchebag.
I swear we have the same luck. Same bungholes, different state. Stupid dating sites. Stupid men. Effing Douchebag!!!!!!!!!!
Agree with Mindy! And the others inquiring as to the status of one ms QT and one mr RE
QT,
Check your e-mail.
XOXO
N.
Good for you, QT Mama.
I need to get me one of these Random Esquires…are they expensive?
Sorry to hear about this but you are doing the right thing. You deserve better
MUCH LOVE! Thanks everyone!
Hello, ElizabethFrank123,
I am, in fact, expensive.
This is because of the simple rule of supply and demand.
Most sincerely,
-R.E.
HEEEEEEEEEEEY … !!!
You’ll get your bill shortly, QT.
-R.
Hopefully there’s also room for a chequebook in that two-car vag of hers.
Or perhaps a briefcase full of cash is more suiting.
I believe the briefcase full of cash will be inserted into my vag by my Cookie AFTER I marry my Cookie. That is, for sure, part of our deal.
I am a little (or quite a bit, actually) late on this, but I’d like to say something. I think, like someone else mentioned, that you give these men too much credit at the beginning. This is both a good thing and a bad thing. It’s good because it shows you are a good-hearted person and (I’ve mentioned this before) you have the ability of getting up, dusting yourself up, and getting back into the fight. Not everybody can do that as graciously as you can -or even at all. It’s bad because, well, it seems like you get your hopes up too fast and you end up hurt. And even though it really shouldn’t be like this, one day you will meet the real prince charming and you may not know because you’ve kissed so many toads that you will think that this is just another one.
I think these men need to prove themselves to you with more than flowers and attention and nice dinners (and arms). Men are men and they know how to play the field. The trick is to learn to recognize those hidden techniques… and one day you’ll kiss that last toad for good. =)