Things That Make Me Laugh … And Probably Shouldn’t

Anyone who reads my blog with any regularity, knows this will of course, be number one.

1) People Falling Down

My head tells me that when someone falls down in front of me, like if they really bite it …

*excuse me while I take a break as I’m laughing too hard to t y p e*

… A person’s first instinct should be to see if the falling person, is … well, ya know, okay.  Are they hurt.

Me?  Not so much.  I immediately burst into laughter that is so overly uncontrollable that I often get shot dirty looks from others in the vicinity of the person that fell.  For example, Jenn.  My BFF.  She, Random Esquire and myself were walking to a bar one night when Jenn fell down.  On the sidewalk.  Right in front of me.  Her purse went one way, Jenn went … well, just.  Down.  Now keep in mind that RE and Jenn had JUST met, maybe an hour or so earlier.  So Jenn falls, I see her purse fly and I see her go, well.  Down.  I immediately burst into hysterics, laughing uncontrollably.  I then see RE look at me like I’m nuts, so I turned around and ran into a doorway so I could laugh in the corner by myself.  Which leaves RE to help Jenn up, to ask if she’s alright, to help her get her purse, rub off the dirt, things like that.

Now doesn’t this just want make you want to be my friend?!  HMMM?

2) When my grandma had dementia

See, if I hadn’t laughed at this, I would have cried.  A lot.  My granny, what a sweet lady.  But as she got older, she got more and more well, just … angry.  See, the dementia set in and mixed with the anger?  Yeah, sometimes she was just not happy.  Like the time she wanted to go for a walk.  In the middle of winter.  Three degrees out.  It was snowing. Hard.  My mom said no, it was not a good time.  Granny?  Got angry.  Really angry.  And proceeded to call the police to report that she was being held hostage.  Four screaming police cars and many cops later?  It was understood that Granny was in fact safe and sound, with my mom.

Or the other time that we were having corn on the cob, and I see her trying to wrap a piece of sliced cheese around her corn, and I said, “Granny! What are you doing?”  She stared at me and said, “Well there’s no God Damned butter on this table! I don’t know what you people do with your butter around here!”

See, this shit is funny.  Sad?  Yes, that too.  But damn funny.

Hand Motions, Grounded! and Other Possibly Offensive Stuff

1) Yesterday I was telling Emilee a story about something her dad did once upon a time. Just a funny story about her daddy, being the funny guy he is.

She stared at me after I finished and said, “That’s fiction!”

*Blink*

WTF?  How can you not love my kid?  Seriously.

2) WARNING:  I apologize in advance for anyone that may be offended at this one.

The game, F Marry Kill. Have you heard of this? You give people three choices, three people choices to be exact. Their job is to kill one, marry one and well, ahem, fuck one. And they can only choose one for each. This is typically a game that is best played when drinking methinks, but regardless, it can be a funny game. Celebrities are used often, of course. So one time, my choice was the following:

Christian Slater
Corey Haim
Scott Baio

My mouth dropped open! COREY HAIM! I immediately killed Scott Baio, had sex with Christian Slater and married Corey Haim. WOO HOOO! Easy choices. Sometimes though, you sorta puzzle around cuz you don’t know WHO to kill.

Seriously, what a terrible game.

But my evil side thinks is one of the most fun games ever.

I’m going to hell.

3) I type approximately 97 words per minute. I just noticed my keyboard has the letters E and O rubbed off. I do not find this interesting, yet I have to wonder. Do my fingers push on the E and O more so than any other letter? Hmmmm …

4) My dad grounded ShaNaNa and I when we were in Florida one night. Apparently not calling when you’re going to be late (very late)  is still not cool with your dad, even when you’re 37 years old.

*Shame Face*

I admit to laughing at this though, I haven’t been grounded in a long time!

5) I mentioned the German guys we met in yesterdays post. One of the boys consistently wore bowling shoes. Like, as a part of his outfit. When ShaNaNa pointed that out to him, he says, “I bowl!” with a hand motion. You know, the motion of bowling.  Except …

Sunshine and ShaNayNay

I would like to be the first one to say, being home from Florida sucks.  Oh my goodness, did we have some fun.  The weather cooperated in an insanely poetic way, giving us sunshine at the 85 degree mark, with a cool breeze coming in off the ocean to keep us from sweating profusely.  I truly love Florida.  The views are stunning, seeing the ocean is not something I get to see on a daily basis so I never take it for granted.  The palm trees?  LOVE THEM.  The streets are clean and clear, the left turn lights are endless long but we had a convertible.  Just more sun for us.  The convertible did, however, only have a V4 engine so I felt like I was riding at more of a scooter pace, as my car at home is a V6 and Shan drives a V8.  We are speedsters, what can I say?

I danced in the waves at the shore under the stars, laughed when we had our boobs bouncing in the boat, bought a new swimsuit that actually does not look half bad, laughed when Shan got burrs stuck in her feet on the beach, sat in the sunshine happily knowing my hair was going to get more blonde, and drank enough to keep a small army boozed up.

Yup, good trip.  My only complaint was the small amount of sleep we had.  You see, for some reason, if I get my drink on?  I seem to sleep for 3 hours and then BING!  I’m awake.  Wide freaking awake. No amount of lying there praying for sleep helps.  I’ve been this way for a long time, I accept it.  And because I drank enough Friday night to keep that small army boozed up, I was wide awake about 3.5 hours after falling asleep.  I rolled around enough to make ShaNaNa wake, got the stink eye from her on that one, and promptly decided some coffee was in order.  When the coffee didn’t help the way I was feeling, we decided perhaps that a bit of the hair of the dog that bit us may help.  So what did we do?  Hit a liquor store.  WOO HOO!  How smart are we, seriously?  It worked.  Game on.

Florida Bound

Alright folks,  this Mama and one ShaNaNa – headed to Florida to soak up some rays and drink up their beer.

I wish you all a fantastic week, I’m officially, on vacation.

With love, martini’s and bacon,

QT

Stuff of the Random Sort

1) This morning, after dropping Em off at school, I stopped to get some gasoline.  It was fricken cold this morning, and I hate getting gas when it’s cold out, but alas, my gas gauge was in the E position with 7 miles to go before empty.  Dammit.  So, when standing there freezing my ass off, a man walked up to me and said, “So I’ve been noticing you not noticing me.”  I had to laugh.

2) ShaNaNa and I leave for Florida in less than a week for our 2nd annual girls weekend (five days) to Florida.   WOOOOOOO!!!  Beaches and bouncing boobs, here we come!

3) Yesterday, I was working at my desk when I got an IM from Twitch.  It said the following:

“You need to move to China.”   With this link: http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,562341,00.html?test=latestnews

Yeah go ahead and click on that.

I admit to staring in shock and then actually, busting out laughing.  What a tool but MAN I LOVE HIM.

4) I have a date on Saturday night with DJBlueEyes.  I’m quite excited.  He found a place that apparently serves over 185 different types of martini’s. My eyes almost bulged out of my head when I heard this, and I immediately said, “How did you find this place?!  Wait.  Just wait. More importantly?  How did I not know about this place?!”

5) I turn 37 in less than a week.  I love my 30’s.  I love my 30’s.  I love my 30’s.  I love my 30’s. I love my 30’s.

6) I’m kind of an ass sometimes.  Seriously.  DJ was very open about telling me how much he enjoys the time we spend together.  I mean, I am not so sure I’m use to a man being open about his feelings.  When he finished, I sort of had that feeling that I should say something in return.  I mean, just sitting there is not quite cool, ya know?  But I sort of had a panic moment and didn’t know WHAT to say.  But at the same time, I did have things TO say.  Ugh.  It’s like a vicious circle.  So what does QT do?

“I like the way you dress!”  QT blurts.

Mmm Hmmm.  Nice.

7) You know Wingman has lots of pictures from his weekend visit, from the reunion, from the bar outings, etc.  You catch my drift.  The funny thing is, he’s got a picture of Make Out Guy and I standing together at the bar from the one night – on FaceBook.  I really really REALLY (really) wanted to comment under it … “Look!  My boyfriend for a day!” because well, that makes me laugh.  I fear, however, that I’d be the only one laughing.

8 ) I believe I talk to my ex-husband NOW more than I ever did when we were married.

9) These are the flowers DJBlueEyes brought me for our 2nd date.  Yup, two dates.  Two sets of flowers.  Lilies.  I heart Lilies.

10) I need a new bathing suit.  *Wince* Ugh, I loathe going bathing suit shopping.

QTMama’s Mama and DJBlueEyes

Yesterday, DJBlueEyes and I were hanging out at my place, when my mom called to let me know she was halfway to my house, with some things of Emilee’s she wanted to drop off.  I immediately looked at DJBlueEyes, and said, “Well now isn’t exactly the best time Mom, can we do this tomorrow?”  Now don’t get me wrong, as I’ve reported before, I love me my mama.  But I wasn’t exactly quite ready to introduce DJ to my mother just yet.  I was disappointed last time, when  Make Out Guy met my parents and then I had to explain why he and I stopped seeing each other.   I think, for me, it’s a big step when seeing someone to meet family of  said someone.  Being that DJ and I are only a few weeks into this, well, I think waiting a bit to meet my parents is a fine thing.

And so, when I asked my mom if we could wait, she paused a bit and then said, “Is someone there?”  I grinned and said “Yes,” because of course I’ve told my mom of DJBlueEyes, I mean he brought Emilee and I flowers!  How could I not share that with my mom?

“Well honey, I’m almost to your house, how about if I just leave what I have on the porch?  I won’t interrupt you, I promise!”  Mom says.

“Alright mom, that sounds fine.  Thanks!” I told her.

We said our goodbyes and hung up the phone.  DJ asked if everything was okay, I said “Yep!” and continued doing some things around the house.

A few minutes later, I am walking from my kitchen to the living room, when I see someone at my front door.  Now my front door has a window in it, but it’s stained glass as well.  It sort of resembles this:

Musings. Stuff. Nitty Gritty.

1) One of my least favorite jobs around the house?  Emptying the dishwasher.  I will let the clean dishes sit in there, sometimes for a long time.  In fact, sometimes, I hate emptying it SO much that I run it when it has very few dishes in it, so then I don’t have so much to empty.  A bit backwards but it works in QT World.

2) My Wingman has flown back to his home.  I think, for the record, I should point out that it sucks big hairy monkey balls that he doesn’t live here anymore.  We seriously, had an amazing time.  I told everyone at his reunion, “I keep asking him to marry me; he keeps saying no way in hell.”  Then I’d look at him with puppy dog eyes, trying not to laugh, while heads would turn in his direction with questions in their eyes.

3) Speaking of Wingman’s reunion, I saw my high school crush.  I mean that guy that I had a crush on for years. YEARS. Every time I saw him at the reunion I would grab Wingman’s arm and say, “Look!  LOOK.  There he is.”  This was accompanied by lots of eye rolling from Wingman and disengaging himself from my death grip.  In fact, come to think of it, he did the same thing in high school. Hmpf.

4) Twitch got new brown shoes.  Now typically this is not something I’d note, other than the fact that he wore pink socks with the new shoes yesterday.  When I remarked on the pink socks, he said, “They are salmon.  SALMON.”  I looked at Googlie who promptly said, “Dude.  They’re pink.”   I nodded in agreement, and then said, “Like nipple pink.”  That just throws a little extra insult in there, for good measure.

5) Now here is something to think about … You always want to be a lady’s first kiss but you can have no better honor then to be her last. I mean, I know, right?  Is that not the best quote EVER?

6) Yesterday, Googlie told Twitch and I that he use to cut lawns when he was a kid.  He’d let himself into his customers back yard and do his lawn cutting thing.  He said he was scarred for life when one day, while cutting the back yard lawn, he saw through the sliding glass door a man sitting on the couch doing … well, himself.  Ahhh masturbation.  Googlie was not pleased with this site, let me point out, but finished his lawn cutting anyway.  When I told DJBlueEyes of this story last night on the phone, he promptly said, “Yeah those are things you just don’t want to see.”

And then paused and said, “Especially like, within five miles of a school or something.”

*Blink*

I laughed. I mean, I really laughed.  Where the HELL had that come from?!  Ahh, he’s got an awesome sense of humor.  So crazy and it so matches mine!

7) The other day, I used this Jack Handy quote as my Facebook Status:

“I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don’t want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then when somebody comes up act like they just woke up and go, “What was that?!“”

Wingman and I laughed, every single damn time we talked about it.  I laughed all damn day.  See, this is the kind of thing that makes you get a picture in your head.  Ya know, some dude popping up after a plane crash and going, “What was THAT?!”  I mean, not that plane crashes are funny, but DAMN that image in my head? I couldn’t stop laughing.  I still can’t.

8 ) Oh and I have to mention, I love love love the email requests I’m getting to be “followed” on Twitter!  How nuts are you guys, seriously!  I am just not that exciting! Yet, with regret, I must decline.  Read about why, however, at this post right here.  I still hold true to those thoughts, but still hope you’ll be the awesome lurkers that you are on my blog.  ;)

9) And just a note for my Cookie.  Don’t freaking knock yourself out with the comments lately.  Can you say, LAME?

Mom of the Year

MSNBC News …

“ALBERTVILLE, Ala. – A woman has been charged with endangering the welfare of a child after she let her daughter ride in a cardboard box on top of their van, police said. Albertville Police spokesman Sgt. Jamie Smith said the 37-year-old Alabama woman was arrested Sunday after police received a call about a minivan on a state highway with a child riding on top, The Huntsville Times reported. Smith said the woman told police the box was too big to go inside the van, and that her daughter was inside the box to hold it down. Smith said the mother told officers it was safe because she had the box secured to the van with a clothes hanger. The 13-year-old daughter wasn’t harmed and was turned over to a relative. A jail worker said the mother was out on bond Monday.”

Okay could this mom be any more of an idiot?

I mean, everyone knows that a bungy cord is much safer for securing a child to the roof of a car.   Sheesh.

 

[With compliments to JenWithTheMen]

The Woo Factor

Admittedly, I forget a lot of things.  I don’t mean things like packing Em’s lunch every day, and I don’t mean I forget to pick her up from school.  I mean that I’ve drunk enough vodka martini’s to forget some things.  WOO HOO for that, by the way.  I digress.

I think, for a long time now, it’s been rare that a man actually took some time to “Woo” me.   Let’s review.  Make Out Guy was fun and very nice, but there was very little woo-ing on his part.  Okay really?  There was barely any.  Um, who else?  (Is it terrible I have to go back through my own blog and see whom I’ve dated?!  Good Lord.  Okay I digress, again.)  Ah yes, there was the bacon guy (the one who bought me the t-shirt), and there are not enough words to describe how LITTLE he did.  Yeah, he did buy me a t-shirt.  Other than that?  Let’s see, he never called, he never asked me out on dates, he rarely answered text messages, he did use me for sex aaaaaaand he pretty much consistently made me feel … non-important, stupid and dismissed. Yeah real great guy, QT.  *patting myself on the back*

So then we had McP, who again, was a nice guy.  He sent me flowers, and while I appreciated it, he also never took a very large interest in my life or my daughter.  It was also a large turn off.

And the sad thing is, I could go on.  Chicago Man and Irishman are the two that I remember as taking an interest in more than what I look like or what I could offer in the bedroom.  Sad, but true.

What has happened to The Woo Factor?

Reunions, Old Crushes, New Crushes and My WingMan

Now I’ve had some pretty good weekends before in my lifetime, and I’ve some not so great weekends in my lifetime.  But By God, this past weekend was one of my all time most favorite weekends in the history of QT.  Seeing old friends, seeing new friends, seeing boys I use to have crushes on in high school, seeing how they look twenty years later, drinking enough that my liver is protesting, just having My Wingman home … seeing him like I use to, looking at him as a man now, but knowing all the same, he’s still My Wingman.

Friday night I met up with My Wingman at a bar, and was happy to see lots of his college friends there.  And yes, if you remember correctly, Make Out Guy is a college friend of Wingman’s, so I wasn’t too surprised when I laid eyes on him.  But it was comfortable, and of course, handling it in my way I immediately accused him of “De-Friending” me on FaceBook, to which he vehemently denied.  We laughed and you know, got along fine.  It was nice to see him.  Having my Wingman home and seeing old friends, simply just made for a happy night for everyone.  As I hadn’t eaten dinner on Friday night, the few beers I had hit me a little harder than I expected, and when Wingman told me I wasn’t driving home, I looked at him and agreed, immediately deciding since I wasn’t driving, it was a good idea to have a shot!  WOO HOO!  However, it dawned on me that Wingman was not driving either … Hmm Dilemma.  I glanced at Make Out Guy, he could totally drive me home but … yeah, that could be awkward.  So in my brilliant drunk mind, I texted DJBlueEyes, who so happened to be working just about five miles away, and asked if he’d be interested in driving a drunk blond girl home.  Thankfully, he was.  Problem solved!  So Friday night included Wingman and Company, Make Out Guy and DJBlueEyes.  My goodness, that just makes for a fun night people.