Weekend Updates and The Weird Thing of the Week

This past weekend, I spent my Friday night with my super friend LetEmBreathe having many, many, and did I say many?  Drinks.  We started after work in the 4pm hour at our favorite watering holes, buying buckets of beer and having ourselves a grand old time.  At some point we decided to change venues, deciding that food, in addition to our adult beverages, needed to be had.  And so we had some.  And it was all good.  We laughed, talked and laughed some more.  I arrived home feeling like it was three in the morning, only to realize it was approximately 11.45pm.  Yeah, those are some good times.  I lurve you, LetEmBreathe.  I really do.  And I’m sure you’ll all be happy to know, I was a good girl and didn’t let my breasts breathe that night, till I got home. 

And because these things only happen to me … although this one, I’m sure, has happened to someone else.

Weird Thing of the Week

Saturday afternoon, I hit the grocery store.  Never in my wildest dreams did I think it’d be as busy as it was.  Clearly a tad hungover, it did not dawn on me that everyone else in the entire world is shopping for their turkeys and all of the fixins’.  Regardless, I decide to plow through and get my grocery shopping done before my daughter and I starve.  As Miss Emilee has a severe addiction to Fruit Roll Ups, and I hear this from her on a daily basis “Mama!  Buy Tongue Fruit Roll Ups – the strawberry ones.  No other kind!” I was standing in the aisle looking for no, not the variety pack but the strawberry ones.   Now, as previously mentioned, I’m often quite annoyed by other grocery shoppers.  So I do put an effort forth, to not be the annoying person in the grocrey store.  However, at times, even I recognize that when the grocery stores are that jammed packed full of people, you’re eventually going to get in someones way.  Alas, while I’m standing there making sure I have the strawberry fruit roll ups,  W*H*A*M – this freaking dude runs into me with his cart.  And not lightly either!  I know I let out a girl sound because his stupid cart was jammed into the back of my ankle.  Thank the Lord I had my Doc’s on or he probably would have severed my Achilles heel.

So after dislodging my foot from his cart, I turn around and said, “DUDE.  Why don’t you slow the hell down?” and what does he do?

Holds up his finger in the just wait a minute, I’m on the phone gesture.

And what is he wearing?  A BlueTooth headset.  He’s a BlueTOOL. I hate the BlueTools.

And what did I do?  I said, “HEY!  BlueTOOL.  Don’t show me your finger.  You just …”

And what did he do?  Held up the just wait a minute, I’m on the phone finger AGAIN.

*Blink*  Are you freaking kidding me?  So I walked close to him, sort of sauntered up if you will as now I’m limping from his cart hitting me … and what did I do?

Leaned in close to his non-Blue Toothed ear and yelled “You just HIT ME WITH YOUR CART, DICKHEAD!”

He stared at me and opened his mouth to say something.  And what did I do?

I gave him a different finger. And told him to watch where the hell he was going.

Then I grabbed my strawberry fruit roll ups and limped away.

Assclowns … they are all over the place.

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To Know or Not To Know

Sorry guys, this one is for ladies only.

Alright ladies, I need some very important question answered here.  Please read carefully and let me know what you think.

       

        

Thanks to all who answer!

The Holiday Season and My New Holiday Header

I must throw a big shout out to Miss Cindy Boogs for making me a holiday header!  The best part is?  I didn’t even ask, she just sent it my way!  It’s like an early Christmas gift!  Thank you Boogs, you’re the bestest graphics chick EVER! 

I must admit, I was dreading the upcoming holiday season.  I was dreading it for a few reasons, but mainly, at some point, it dawned on me that I’d be spending my holiday season alone.  Well, not alone-alone, because my sweet girl is always with me, but alone – in the adult way.  Meaning – no special man to share it with.  That in turn, makes me think of my last Thanksgiving and Christmas, which was spent with Dick.  That was spent … happily with Dick.  Thanksgiving at his house, him cooking Thanksgiving dinner for his family.  How we giggled and got out of bed at 1am on Christmas Eve to open our presents to each other.  New Years Eve together, having drinks and being silly with kisses at midnight.  I suppose the prospect of not having anyone in my life to share those things was depressing to me.  It still sort of is, in a way.  Now please, don’t take this to mean I regret that break up he did, because I don’t.  It’s just, I guess, spending the holidays alone.

I have my family, of course.  But, it’s not the same.  I have my daughter as well.  But, it’s not the same.

Hmmm …

Maybe I’ll ask Santa for a boyfriend this year.  One that isn’t a Narcissist!  Now that, yes, that would be nice. 

The Weekend Update

I spent my weekend with a wonderful man in Chicago.  He is charming, handsome, incredibly sweet and a gentleman.  We spent the weekend together, and in the end, parted as friends.  As I hope we’ll remain, and it is our plan to remain just that.  While we both had a wonderful time together, there was, admittedly on both of our parts, a general spark – the fireworks, if you will – missing. 

We talked last night, a good, honest straight to the facts talk.  I’m so appreciative of him; in so many ways,  And in so many ways, we are both disappointed.  Yet in the end, we also both know that we can’t force something that is not there naturally.  No matter how much we both want it to be there, and believe me we do, it just can’t be forced.  And so a new chapter begins in my Chicago Man story … one of friendship.  And for that, I’m thankful.

Chicago Man … it’s been exhilarating, and one day we’ll find it all, both of us.  And I hope to give you a hug when you do.

Chicago Stuff And Forget Little Filthy – It’s the Little Rascals.

I know I owe some updates from Chicago – patience is a virtue my friends.  Having had Friday off of work leaves me in a busier than usual position for a Monday morning.  Also, I need to speak to Chicago Man about what he is comfortable with me posting.   However, for those chomping at the bit, here is one of my favorite highlights of the weekend …

Random Esquire and I … well, we’re dumb.  But the thing is, we don’t realize we are dumb.  It’s like we feed each others dumbness, and in our own heads, we think we are brilliant.  Not just brilliant but absolutely brilliant. Dazzling brilliant.  RE called Besos to inform her of our fabulous-ness.  And just when we feel completely intellectual, clever and magnificent in our thinking and plans?  It took under a second for Besos to point out an incredibly large defect in our thinking.  And you know, it was a substantial defect – very substantial as a matter of fact.  I’m pretty sure we both sat there blinking … not quite sure how our brilliant plans could be flawed so badly; but more importantly, how did we not see it? *Blink*

Besos pointed out that the two of us together?  Trouble. I’m not so sure about that, I mean, maybe?  Yet I still think we have some undiscovered brilliance yet to be unearthed.  Hmmm … regardless, I will leave you all with this wise quote from the movie, Tommy Boy,

“Richard, who’s your favorite Little Rascal, Alfalfa or Spanky?”

With further thought from the movie Tommy Boy, let me leave you with a prime example of what Random Esquire and QTMama are like in real life …

And this my friends, is a prime example of the way we think … from the Little Rascals to Tommy Boy.  Makes perfect sense to me.  What about you, RE?

Checking In …

I am officially in Chicago!  I am, in fact, at this very moment, sitting at Chicago Man’s desk drinking a cup of coffee … looking around in wonder a bit.  I mean, I’m here.  It’s almost surreal.

My sweet Chicago Man kisses just as well as I remember, and I’d like to personally throw a quick prayer of thanks to the Big Guy up there, because there is nothing better than kisses like that.

Last night he took me to dinner, where I drank many a martini and we sat and dined, enjoying our time together.  While I think we were both nervous upon my arrival, the dinner worked well to calm our nerves.  We ate and drank, listened to a somewhat cheesy lounge singer and enjoyed our time together.

Something cute – on the way into the restaurant, a man was on the street selling his own CD’s, basically trying to get his music out there and “heard”.  He approached Chicago Man telling him all about his music, glanced at me and said “My music is just as beautiful as your girl.  Well, almost.”  I blinked.  Then laughed, commenting to Chicago Man that he must really need the $5 if he’s throwing the compliments out that way.

Tonight is dinner with Random Esquire and Jenn – as Chicago Man is working for a bit.  I’m sure I’ll have more fun things to update with tomorrow, as for some reason, being with RE is always an adventure.

By the way, the nook?  I so fit.

Reasons Why I’m Bitchy

In recent discussions with my EE Bitches, and only you know who you are, it’s become apparent to me that I am what some may consider … bitchy.  To fully understand, we should carefully examine the word, bitchy.

bitch⋅y

-adjective, bitch⋅i⋅er, bitch⋅i⋅est. Slang. Characteristic of a bitch; spiteful; malicious.

Hmmm … I do not have intent of being spiteful OR malicious, really. I believe to fully understand me, you’d need to fully understand that I am easily annoyed.  Actually, very easily annoyed.  The only thing in the world that doesn’t annoy me is probably my daughter.  Yet, I admit, that even some days she pushes it. I digress.  For purposes of this blog entry, I’m changing the definition of bitchy to one that suits me better:

bitch⋅y

-adjective, bitch⋅i⋅er, bitch⋅i⋅est. Slang. Used for QT Purposes Only. To be easily and very annoyed by others on a day-to-day basis.

There, now that we’ve redefined the word bitchy, we can get to the things that easily annoy me.

• Bad Grammar … “I seen that yesterday.”
  No, actually, you SAW that yesterday.  But good for you, sounding like such a hick.
• Close Standers – see my explanation here.
• Catty Women – I have no time, patience or understanding for this.  I will drop contact immediately and tell you to your face that you’re an insecure assclown.
• Stirrup Pants – If you’re still wearing these?  I’m am completely annoyed by you for thinking this is even anywhere near a good idea.
• Pennies – You never need more than four. EVER.  Why are they still here?
• Beer in a Can – For some reason, I hate drinking beer out of a can.  And I normally get annoyed when I see others purposely choose to do this.
• Booger Flickers – I consistently seen people (HA HA Just kidding) … I consistently see people that pick their nose and flick the booger.  What if I’m walking, completely unaware that you just flicked your booger and now it’s stuck to the bottom of my cute shoe?  Assclown.
• Bad Pickup Lines – I once blogged about just this topic.
• Close Talkers – The man that installed my gutters was a close talker.  I had taken enough steps backward to back myself into my fireplace, so I was stuck with his closeness.  However, I ceased saying anything at the time, for fear of him making my gutters drain into said fireplace.
• Everyone ELSE in line at Starbucks – DAMMIT people!  Move out the the way so I can get my coffee!
• The person who wants to drive me to the airport – I admit this is purely a QTMama thing.  I want no part of anyone driving me to the airport – ever.  I like driving myself, being on my own time schedule.  I’d rather pay millions of dollars to park there than have someone else drop me off or pick me up.  This very thing drove my ex-husband crazy.
• Grocery Store Shoppers – MUST you leave your cart in the middle of the aisle?  Are you, in fact, the only person in the store that is shopping?
• The One Upper – The one who always has a better story than yours, the one that always, always one-ups you.  These people are the top of my “Who I Want To Punch Hard List”.
• Nasty Women Toes – Seriously?  It’s called a PEDICURE.  Heard of it?
• The sound of Styrofoam – And those who know it bothers me and keep rubbing it together anyway.  Another excellent reason I divorced my DH.
• Pimples – If there is a whitehead on your face, why don’t you pop it please? I just don’t want to stand in line, anywhere, and pretend I’m not staring at it.

Well, I’ve only got so much time in a day to blog, so I must end my list now.  However, for more fun reading, feel free to check out this post, Things That Annoy Me, posted a while ago.

AND – here is something that DOES NOT annoy me.  I leave for Chicago today. I’m driving there however, and I’m sure other drivers will annoy me at some point.  Perhaps I’ll text some of you to share my annoyance.  Oh and Chicago Man?  Please note that this post does not mean I’m in a bad mood.  This came from another area of inspiration, which I can explain at dinner tonight.

Hello Zondrae!!

The Nervous Excitement

Well, tomorrow is almost here.  I will be leaving to spend the weekend with Chicago Man.  I’m excited and nervous all rolled into one.  Considering I’ve spent a total of maybe four to five hours with him in actual face-to-face time, this weekend is kinda … big.  And it’s intimidating as well.  Reading back through my blog a bit, it dawned on me that I’ve been casually posting about things I’m nervous of.  This post would be a prime example, and this one is another example as well.  My subconscious entity was at work, and I was yet again, not aware of it.  Regardless, I’m looking forward to the weekend – having some time with him is what I’ve been looking forward to since I met him in August.  And it’s finally going to happen!

In addition to seeing Chicago Man, and because he has to work Friday and Saturday evenings, I’m also spending time with Random Esquire, Jenn, and my girly friend JSip.  Dinner and many drinks are planned.  Okay dinner is planned, and it’s me that’s planning on having many drinks.    If this weekend is anything like my last weekend there?  I should have some great stories to share upon my return!

As I’m queen of the weird thing happening, and as it seems to be a weekly thing if not a daily thing, I’ll be introducing a new “Weird Thing of the Week” aspect to my blog.  And so, to begin, it’s Wednesday and I’ve already had the Weird Thing Happen …

Weird Thing of the Week

I had an experience at lunch this week with a Close Stander.  I’m sure you’ve heard of the Close Talker, as Seinfeld made it quite popular.  Well, there are also, Close Standers.  Someone who stands so close to you, without speaking, yet this person is SO up in your personal space it’s uncomfortable.  Taking a step forward only propels the same movement from the Close Stander; as does taking a step sideways.  So a person is either left with the fact of saying something to the Close Stander, or dealing with it.  I’ll give you a minute to guess which I did.  **Humming theme to Jeopardy**

While running out to lunch this past week, I stopped in one of my favorite restaurants  to get myself a quick wrap to take back to the office.  I’m standing in line when I just … felt it, as well as almost, hear it.  Someone standing behind me so close it’s to the point I’m thinking their nose is in the back of my hair.  I took a step forward and turned around quickly, seeing a man that was actually, quite intent on staring at the menu behind the counter.  He, however, took a step forward as I had, and was back in my personal space once again.  I quickly turned back around, but there he was behind me.  One small movement from his hand and my ass cheek would have been palmed by him.  I stepped sideways, to the right, thinking Mr. Close Stander would get the hint.  Oh no, he stepped sideways as well.  Now I had the face.  I get this face when I’m annoyed.  I think my mouth moves into a position of distaste, and my eyes, which I’ve been told can be quite expressive, narrow a bit to also show my distaste.

So I turn around quickly, trying not to bump noses with Mr. Close Stander and said, “Dude!  Could you back the hell up? Your pelvis area is entirely too close to my ass!”

All the while making rapid hand movements, to the side no less for fear of cock punching him, to show the closeness between us.  Mr. Close Stander immediately had a look of shock, and stepped back.  He then stared at me a moment … turned, and walked to the end of the line, where he took his place, standing yet again, too close to the person in front of him.

I watched and ended up yelling “You’re doing it AGAIN!”

There was another man in line who was now behind me, and he took an exaggerated step away from me as well.  I grinned at him and said, “That’s right, dammit.”

What a Jerk!

Alright kids, this post is technically a re-post.  I did a guest blog entry for Ms. Single Mama a while back, on How to Spot a Jerk.

I’m busy lately!  Busy getting read for my trip to Chicago to see my Chicago Man, Random Esquire, JSip and Jenn.  Busy being a single mom, and busy trying to get a decent nights sleep … this is an older post but still pretty damn good info if you ask me.  And it’s my blog so … there you go.  Enjoy, I hope it helps.

And if anyone is out there reading and wondering?   Dick is SO NUMBER FIVE on my list!

Fried Eggs On a Nail

By QTMama

I have heard of Green Eggs and Ham, oh yes I have Sam-I-Am. I have a five year old, who hasn’t? But what I had not heard, until recently, is the phrase “Fried Eggs on a Nail.”

These words were uttered by a friend of mine, who for the purpose of this story, I’ll call Sam. I need to preface this by saying that Sam, is most certainly and in every definition of the word – a JERK.

He knows it, he knows I think it, and he knows that I’m writing about it. But he’s my friend, and I love him for what and who he is, and for me, it’s a good man. But I’m not dating him.

Today, Sam asked me the following question:

“So are you still propping those big bigs up to make sure everyone notices?!!”

He is asking me about my breasts. I tell him yes, my breasts are fine and fabulous, thank you. His response? “That’s rare these days, good for you. The 32-year-old (his most recent fling) was not as fortunate. Nothing worse than fried eggs on a nail.”

And there it is, the prime example of a real, honest to goodness jerk. So I asked him to explain to me, exactly, what did that mean? He said, “Well, when nice tits go bad, they sag and they resemble what a fried egg would look like were it nailed to a wall.” And yet again, I shake my head and think “Those poor women. They have no idea what they are in for.” He is THAT guy, the one I avoid. The Jerk.

Read more to find out how single moms can spot jerks.

How do women spot a jerk?

More importantly, how do you spot a jerk before you start dating him? Because clearly, the blinking neon sign that says “JERK ALERT” is only for those women he’s already hurt. I am not an expert; but that won’t stop me from offering some tips on how to spot said Jerk. With a bit of help from Sam, of course.

1. “I’ll call you on Tuesday.”

If Tuesday comes and goes and he doesn’t call? He’s a jerk. Get rid of him immediately. You ARE good enough for a phone call when he says he is going to call, and I don’t care what kind of excuse (other than death) he comes up with when he does finally call. If this early on, he is already not sticking to his word? He’s a jerk and he’s not that into you. Buh Bye.

2. Me, Myself and I.

Ok, I admit, it’s often hard to see from someone else’s perspective, but a non-jerk does try. When everyone else is consistently wrong, when everyone else is ruining HIS world, when the guy at Taco Bell purposefully messed up his lunch order just to ruin his day, the guy is a jerk. Drop that burrito and hit the road, baby.

3. The Sex Hound

Once the sex is done, so is he. Unless of course, he’s drunk and decides then you’re good enough to date. Or have sex with. Let’s remember ladies, a man who only wants to see you when he’s drunk isn’t much of a man. At least that’s this mama’s opinion. Now, if he’s good in bed and you’re happy with the booty call … by all means, have at it. Safely please. You never know where a sex hound has been sniffing around.

4. The Player

Imagine me shuddering here. I hate the players. Yet they are there, waiting … just waiting for the next loving, warm wonderful woman to come along. And at first? They are attentive. They pay attention, they open doors, they bring flowers, they call when they say they are going to call, they are charming. You think you’ve hit the jackpot. Problem is, so do the 3 or 4 other women he’s doing the same thing with. These are very hard to spot, ladies. My only advice here, is when you do find out you’ve been played, get some girlfriends to gather with you, hide your phone from yourself and stay away from him. Run in the other direction as far as you can, because he will be back when the other ladies dump him. And you’ve got to stay strong, because no matter what, he’ll play again. Just don’t let it be with you.

5. The Narcissist

This is probably, by far, the hardest jerk to spot. Lisa Earle McLeod, author of Forget Perfect says, “Jerkiness is related to narcissism. A jerk usually has a long history of failed relationships, and they’ll always tell you why it was the other person’s fault. The relationship gets really serious really fast, they get infatuated, but the second the jerk finds out that you’re not perfect and you no longer see them as perfect, they become demanding and critical.”

And once that disappointment blemishes the relationship, the narcissist can never retrieve the fantasy feeling of true love. That euphoria of perfection in another. And in my experience, by the time you figure it out, you’re in too deep to simply walk away. Warning signs here? The long history of the failed relationships – relationships that ended always at the fault of the other person, they want to get serious VERY fast and then there’s the infatuation. As romantic as it may seem, be careful. Love at first sight by someone can be dangerous as well as romantic.

Not all men are jerks. Not all jerks are men, either. Let us remember, “Jerks have no gender, the only difference is the package they come in.”

Go forth and date my friends … Just proceed with caution.

[Photo: From film Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde]