So as I sit here eating my fruit roll up, with my girl finally home (yay!) and tucked away in her bed for the night, I started to think about things I want for my future. And instead, found myself thinking not of things I want, but of things I have learned in these past (almost) six months since Dick left. What got me thinking? Tonight, while Em and I were outside – she playing with the hose and me unsuccessfully avoiding getting wet, when she asked (again) if Dick misses her, and maybe he misses her so much that one day he’ll come visit her. *sigh* How unfair this was to her. I did my best, yet again, to explain to her that I’m sure he misses her, but that he’s not coming back. She gets a sad look but she pushes on, as I do. So here I sit, peeling and eating my beloved fruit roll up, and started thinking. I have learned a lot these past six months, and thought I’d share…
The only reason he may miss me is because he is choosing, every day, not to be with me.
If he is not calling me, I am not on his mind. Period. And I deserve a phone call.
If he chooses not to make an effort on something that puts me more at ease? Then he is not respecting my feelings and needs.
Better than nothing is NOT good enough for me.
My lost self-esteem is taking longer to find than a new boyfriend.
If he only wants to see me when he’s drunk? It’s not love.
I deserve someone who wants to be with me when he’s sober … AND drunk.
I will no longer spend my time on or give my heart to a guy that makes me wonder about his feelings for me.
Break Up Sex still means I am broken up.
No answer is my answer for Dick. (Ok clearly that one just started a couple weeks ago!)
I am not giving him the chance to reject me, yet again.
Being lonely? It sucks. BUT – being with someone that makes me feel shitty is worse.
There is never a reason to shout at someone unless they are about to get hit by a plane, train or automobile. Or maybe even a very large bike.
I can see clearly now – the difference between an ex that truly misses me and realizes he made a mistake, and the ex that just needs a “fix”.
And finally? There IS a man out there who’s going to be really happy that my ex-boyfriend dumped me. And I’m sure one day, I’m going to find him.
So? On that note, I’m going to take a cue from Ms Single Mama, who wrote a letter to her future husband. Except, this letter is from my future boyfriend, to me.
Dear QTMama,
Hurry up and get over him, he really sucks. And I’m here waiting for you. Find me.
Love and perfect kisses,
Your Future Man
[Photo Credit: http://www.rubberstampsclub.com/monthlycontest/january2004/smaller/love-notes.jpg]
July 29, 2008 at 12:33 pm
Also you forgot to put ” Dick’s actions are speakinh volumes to you….” Take the time to be alone, it sucks yes , I know, but it is good for you and for your daughter. She needs to see that it is okay not to have a man in your life just to have one. She is young but kids, no matter what age are good on sensing what is wrong and what is going on. Your on the road to a great life…. Do not settle…
July 29, 2008 at 12:40 pm
There is a saying: Sleep faster, we need the pillows.
Like sleeping, the healing process likes to take all the time it genuinely needs and it sounds like you’re doing a very good job of acknowledging this and helping it along but not rushing it.
I spent 3 months in what amounts to solitary confinement. Well, I had Little Filthy. It was a really nice time to get to know myself again and relearn who I was so I’d know who might complement me and my life.
-R.
July 29, 2008 at 1:51 pm
So true what RandomEsq says. I did that too…and it helps to keep you going to have the little folks there. I finally added you to my reader so now I’ll be able to keep up!
Loved the little letter.
July 29, 2008 at 2:36 pm
Thank you Shannon. *hugs*
July 29, 2008 at 2:48 pm
You know you rock in my world!!
I think that you finding you again is a great step. The hardest part is the flipping loneliness…and you so deserve better than… what’s his name? I forgot it already. You have great friends and great support here for all the *hugs* you need.
Remember that song “Unwritten” by Natasha Bedingfield? These lyrics come to mind when I read your words:
Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten
QT, The best chapters of your life are yet to come.
July 29, 2008 at 4:06 pm
Oh honey! I think that you are doing FAB-U-LOUS!!!! It took me over 3 years before I was willing to even consider dating again, I’m STILL working on my self esteem, and it’s been 7 years that I’ve been single (well 8 1/2 truly, but 7 since I left X)
Baby steps, one day at a time and lots of luv from friends….does wonders!
July 29, 2008 at 6:20 pm
I love the raw honesty of this post. It reminds me very much of how I felt shortly after my separation from the ex.
I had an experience this morning with my 6 year old. She was trying to figure out how to watch a show on our DVR and she was unsure about which button to push. I told her to push the one she thought would work. She said, “But what if its the wrong button?!?” “Well”, I told her, “then you’ll know its the wrong button and you won’t choose it again.”
That’s all you did. You pushed the wrong button when you chose him. But now you know and you won’t choose it again. That is something to celebrate!
August 1, 2008 at 2:23 pm
Ahh T – you’re a smart chickie, you know that?
I so appreciate all the support … it makes each day a bit easier.
June 5, 2009 at 5:02 pm
[...] was a time, on this blog, that I was ashamed to admit that my heart was broken, that I had lost something of great value to me, that he walked away. That I was, in all reality, [...]