Poker, Main Dish, Thoughts and the Chicken Pox

My girl has the chicken pox.  Can you believe it?  The chicken pox!  I thought it was a rash truly, until they started to scab over for no reason.  A trip to the doc confirmed the pox, but she did say the strain is light, that Em will be itchy for another week or so, and that she is not allowed to pools or large crowds for a week as well.  Oh boy … a week at home is going to make her miserable.  I must think of fun things for us to do.  The doc also informed me that I should let anyone I’ve been in “close contact with” know … as if they’ve not had the chicken pox they could contract them, through me.  So … after some thought, the only person I can think of is Main Dish.  A quick phone call to him reveals he is safe, as he’s had them as well.  What to do this weekend with my girl?  Oy Vey …

Last night Em stayed at her dad’s house, chicken pox and all.  I played some poker, was out early thanks to an Ace High Flush that beat my King Queen flush, and decided to stop and grab a drink after leaving poker.  I realized at some point yesterday after some frantic searching that I had left my sunglasses in Main Dish’s car, so while sitting up at the bar and avoiding the strange man staring at me, I texted Main Dish to see when I could grab the glasses.  After a few texts, it’s revealed he is not far from where I am and decides to come over to deliver the glasses.  And many drinks later, we head out. And home.  Not together.  I am proud of me.  But in all honesty, he is fun.  And makes me laugh.  And I can be me.  I like that.  I do hope we remain friends for as long as can be.

I haven’t talked with Irishman in THREE days!  That’s the longest it’s ever been … and I’m really very okay with this. 

I am also excited for Jane Wonder and her plans for the weekend.  Jane, remember, believe in it.  *hugs*

With the help of a good friend, I have stalked down Corey Haim a bit.  He will be at Monster-Mania in New Jersey in August.  I COULD MEET HIM if I go there.  O M G  I heart him.  Do you think he digs single moms?  Why wouldn’t he?  Really.  Of course he is my age and has never been married nor does he have children.  I am willing to overlook this for him.  Just for him, tho. 

Kate Hudson is freaking gorgeous. 

I must go in search of food….

Warning, Danger Will Robinson!

I have a confession to make. 

If I meet a man that is my age or older, has not been married, has not had a relationship longer than a year or two, and has no children? I hear this in my head:  WARNING WARNING! DANGER WILL ROBINSON!  And then I turn and make a very sharp U-Turn.   

I realize this is unfair to what could possibly be, a very good man that just  hasn’t found “the one” yet.  I realize that this could be deemed “small-minded” of me.  I realize this has all kinds of room for argument.  I realize that nowadays, getting married super young is not as common, and I have no issues with that.  I myself, believe had I not gotten married so young, I’d not be divorced at this point.  But that marriage also gave me my daughter, so I have no regrets about my marriage.  Most importantly, I realize that I ignored this warning voice with the 38 year old Dick, and plunged heart first into the love.  I realize that this hurt may cause me to shut out my future boyfriend.  Yet … there are realizations in my favor here as well, so read me out here for a moment.

I think, my biggest question would be for a man my age or older, would be WHY?  Why haven’t you made the commitment yet?  Are you of the theory get married older, have fun longer? Are you the man that gets involved deeply with a woman then runs away when you’re scared?  Are you the man that wants his freedom and doesn’t want to be “tied down” to someone?  What is it, you are so afraid of?  Why is it you haven’t committed yourself to a woman yet?  Are you the man that wants a relationship but doesn’t want any of the relationship “things” that come with it?  Why have you NOT MARRIED at this age?

These are my questions for the never-been-married mid-to-older-thirties man.  I have no answers clearly, but I still have the questions.  And because those questions are there, and because I should have looked at these signs with Dick instead of having the blind faith (and all the other signs I missed as well), I now make the U-Turn.  Illegal or not I could care less, I make the damn U-Turn.  And fast. 

Perhaps I’m jaded.  I admit to this, but I’m also honest.  And I think I speak for a lot of women when I ask these questions.  At least, I speak for the ones I know. 

[Photo Credit: www.weblo.com]

Fruit Roll Ups and Things I Have Learned

So as I sit here eating my fruit roll up, with my girl finally home (yay!) and tucked away in her bed for the night, I started to think about things I want for my future.  And instead, found myself thinking not of things I want, but of things I have learned in these past (almost) six months since Dick left.  What got me thinking?  Tonight, while Em and I were outside – she playing with the hose and me unsuccessfully avoiding getting wet, when she asked (again) if Dick misses her, and maybe he misses her so much that one day he’ll come visit her.  *sigh*  How unfair this was to her.  I did my best, yet again, to explain to her that I’m sure he misses her, but that he’s not coming back.  She gets a sad look but she pushes on, as I do.  So here I sit, peeling and eating my beloved fruit roll up, and started thinking.  I have learned a lot these past six months, and thought I’d share…

The only reason he may miss me is because he is choosing, every day, not to be with me.

If he is not calling me, I am not on his mind. Period.  And I deserve a phone call.

If he chooses not to make an effort on something that puts me more at ease?  Then he is not respecting my feelings and needs.

Better than nothing is NOT good enough for me.

My lost self-esteem is taking longer to find than a new boyfriend.

If he only wants to see me when he’s drunk? It’s not love.

I deserve someone who wants to be with me when he’s sober … AND drunk.

I will no longer spend my time on or give my heart to a guy that makes me wonder about his feelings for me.

Break Up Sex still means I am broken up.

No answer is my answer for Dick.  (Ok clearly that one just started a couple weeks ago!)

I am not giving him the chance to reject me, yet again.

Being lonely?  It sucks.  BUT – being with someone that makes me feel shitty is worse.

There is never a reason to shout at someone unless they are about to get hit by a plane, train or automobile.  Or maybe even a very large bike.

I can see clearly now – the difference between an ex that truly misses me and realizes he made a mistake, and the ex that just needs a “fix”.

And finally?  There IS a man out there who’s going to be really happy that my ex-boyfriend dumped me.  And I’m sure one day, I’m going to find him.

So? On that note, I’m going to take a cue from Ms Single Mama, who wrote a letter to her future husband.  Except, this letter is from my future boyfriend, to me.

 

Dear QTMama,

Hurry up and get over him, he really sucks.  And I’m here waiting for you.  Find me.  

Love and perfect kisses,

Your Future Man

 

 

 

[Photo Credit: http://www.rubberstampsclub.com/monthlycontest/january2004/smaller/love-notes.jpg]

Hey Disney! WTF?

My little princess loves the Disney Movies, as most children her age do.  But here is something that really bugs me about the Disney movies – where are the moms?  Was Walt a single dad and I don’t know it?  Hell, was Walt a dad at all? 

Let’s review:

• Pinocchio – While I admit to this having good moral messages for kids, there is no mother.  Only Gepetto, his creator whose only wish was for him to be a real boy.
• Dumbo – Dumbo in fact had a mother, but look what they did to her when she tried to protect her big-eared, cute as can be baby! 
• Bambi -  Oh little Bambi, growing up in the wild after his mother is shot by hunters.  I hated for Emilee to see this part, it’s so hard for the little ones to understand.
• Cinderella – Of course her real mother has passed away, and she has the very mean, very wicked STEPmother.  However, I will give this one points because she does have the Fairy Godmother who kicks ass.
• Alice in Wonderland – Alice stumbles into the world of Wonderland. Will she get home? Not if the evil Queen of Hearts has her way!
• Sleeping Beauty – An evil woman wishes death upon a child (she puts a spell on a baby for a future deadly encounter).  Is there a mother in this one?  I can’t remember.
• The Little Mermaid – No mom, just the Merman dad.
• Beauty and the Beast – No mother, just Belle, and her father, Maurice.
• The Lion King – WOO HOO! Finally a MOTHER!
• Finding Nemo – And the mother is eaten in the very beginning, leaving the dad to raise Nemo by himself.
• Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs -  Snow White is pursued by a jealous queen,  and hides with the Dwarfs.  No mother or father (if memory serves) mentioned in this one.

Now please understand, I love single dads!  I support single dads!  But these movies seem to always show the woman as either some evil creature, or just not at all.  And yes, Emilee has noticed that lots of these characters don’t have mommies at all.  And it really bugs me to try and explain that the moms are dead, got eaten, wicked or just … not in the picture. 

So I must ask, WTF Disney??

Reflections, Fairy Tale Endings and My MoonDoggie

Whenever Emilee is with her dad for a weekend or an extended amount of time, and with Dick out of the picture, I have, since the break-up, tried to keep myself busy.  I clean, do laundry, catch up on things around the house, take MD for walks, shop, and of course, date.  Friday night brought my date with Main Dish, and truth be told, I had a fun time.  Yet even as I was with him, I just knew, I felt it.  It’s not him, he is not the one.  And when the end of the date came, I was honest and told him.  And bless his heart, he argued with me.   However, he admitted to me that he has some things to “tie up” before he felt like he could get involved again.  That’s when it hit me – I do, too.  So with a sweet kiss and a smile, I sent him on his way and went to bed – alone.  He is not my fairy tale ending, but he is a prince of sorts, for he helped me at a time when I needed comfort and friendship, and for that, I’m grateful.

I had no plans on Saturday and for the first time in a LONG time, I wasn’t scared of that.  I got my hair cut, I went and saw Sex and The City by myself, took MoonDoggie for a very long walk, did some things around the house, talked with Irishman for a long time.  He, sadly, had a friend that died in a very freak accident on Friday, and he was upset.  And it was his turn to need the simple human touch, and I felt horrible I couldn’t be there to give him the hugs and comfort he needed.  Living so far away from each other does not have its benefits, especially when the comfort is needed.  But we do what we can with the distance between us. 

Fairy Tales.  Fairy Tale Endings, Fairy Tale Romances.  I thought, at one point, I had both.  As you all know, I was clearly, very wrong.  But that doesn’t stop the wanting of it, nor the hope.  Yet, as I sit here and type, I have come to the realization that right now, even if Prince Charming came riding up to my door on his white horse with the promise of love, adventure and bacon, I’d have to decline.  And I’d have to decline because while my mind is ready, my heart is not.  And with this realization, I’ve decided to take a break.  I am taking some time for me, to begin yet again the figuring out of who I am … and of who I am alone.  I am done dating until my heart is ready to give itself to someone again, and give itself completely – with love, trust and free abandon.  It’s time, as Wingman has advised me, to mourn the relationship I once had – not to cry, not to dwell on Dick, but to heal.  I need the healing and no matter how much I date, someone else isn’t going to provide that for me.  It’s got to come from me.   And so I begin this new adventure in my life … I have to wonder.  What exactly am I going to blog about now?   

This morning upon waking to a GORGEOUS morning, I lay in bed and for the first time in a long time, didn’t look at Dick’s side of the bed wishing he was there.  I looked out the window at this bright and beautiful day, loving the fact that it was cool enough last night to sleep with the windows open, and I felt … good.  Not great, not sad, but good.  And when I let MoonDoggie out, I had to smile when I saw him relaxing in the sunshine …

My MoonDoggie

 

… and I think today, is already starting to be a good day.

Facials, Celebrity Blogs, The Irishman and Vacations with Daddy

Lady friends out there – do you, would you date a man that regularly gets facials?  I have a friend who dates someone that gets facials.  And she’ll be like “Oh, boyfriend is getting his facial.” And I must admit, my eyes dart around looking for another who has the same weird look on their face that I KNOW my face has, all the while nodding like it’s an everyday thing for a man to get a facial.  Perhaps it’s me, in my own small world that doesn’t know a man who gets a facial.  Hmm.  You know what?  I’m ok with that.

Gentlemen friends out there – do you, um, get facials? 

I read Celebrity Blogs.  I wish I had a fabulous explanation of why, but I don’t.  Well, it does fill my time after Emilee goes to bed, or when I’m not randomly talking to/texting one of you!     From John Mayer to Rosie O’Donnell to Courtney Love (like a car accident that one is!) to Alyssa Milano’s blogs, they are all read by me.  What about you?  Do you read Celebrity Blogs?  If so, which?

Ahh The Irishman, he has been quiet as of late.  He had some family in this past weekend and into this week, I didn’t hear from him much, nor did he hear from me much.  My phone was damn quiet.  But this morning, I got a ‘Good Morning STRANGER!’ text and had to smile.  HE MISSES ME!    I  knew it.  Actually, I think we are both use to talking/texting at the very least once a day, so this was an unusual week.  Things seem back on track at this point.  Either that or his Irish senses are alerting him that I have a date tomorrow with Main Dish.

On a sad side note – Em left today for a vacation with her daddy and I won’t see her till Monday.  *teary*  Who will I play with now?  MoonDoggie is going to get walked a lot, and I have no plans at this point for Saturday night.  Wingman, come play with me!!

I’m Just Sayin …

1) Coffee in the morning.  It’s why God gave me thumbs – just to hit the grind button for my beans.

2) I just realized.  I never finished blogging about the last trip to Vegas.  And now, well, I don’t wanna. So check out Jane Wonder for details. Oh, but I will say this – She has some damn good cleavage.

3) Major League Baseball Games.  Nine innings!  NINE.  Anything that automatically comes with a marked time for “stretching”?  Too damn long.  Thank God they sell beer.

4) The Two Coreys.  There will not be a third season.  Damn you A & E!  How will I complete my stalking of Corey Haim?  SERIOUSLY.  That’s just rude.

5) Toes.  The toes are, from medial to lateral:

• Big toe (hallux)
• Index toe
• Middle toe
• Fourth toe
• Little toe (Colloquially known as the pinky toe)

Interesting how only one toe gets a number.  The FOURTH toe.  I feel this is unfair to the other toes.

6) I am a parent.  I love my daughter more than anything else in the world.  And this is probably SO wrong but … this site made me laugh so hard I almost choked.

7) Chili Cheese Frito’s.  *happy sigh*

8 ) Sex and The City.  I still haven’t seen this movie.  What is wrong with me?  Irishman said he’d go with me.  Conveniently, however, he is 2,000 miles away.

9) What is feeling like a loser?  When my happily married ex-husband tells me he has hopes that I will “find someone soon”.  Gee, thanks assclown.

10) All the Good MEN do not live in my state.  MEN.  Did ya catch that Just a Man?  Did ya Did ya?

11) By the time you read this you’ve already read it. 

12) I need to remember that sarcasm is lost on my five year old.  However, she’s getting better at it.

The Fine Art of Spooning

Before I begin writing this post, let me explain that this topic has nothing to do with the sexual position of spooning.  This post, my friends, is about the sleeping position of spooning.  For reference?  This is my definition of spooning while sleeping - His body is curled around mine in the same position, both on our sides, his arm around me, allowing us to be touching as much of each other as possible; our bodies resemble two nested spoons snug in a drawer.  And with that, I’ll begin …

I use to say I was not cuddly while sleeping.  When married, I slept on my side, he on his and we rarely touched.  After the divorce, along came Dick and things changed.  I sought him out during sleep, if I didn’t feel him in some way, I moved until I did.  We spooned a lot.  Whether I was the spooner or spoonee, it didn’t matter.  Normally, in some fashion we were touching while sleeping.  I liked that.  Now that I spend my nights alone, I admit wholeheartedly that I miss the simple act of touching someone while sleeping.  I remember thinking once, that it was Dick that changed my mind about the being a cuddly sleeping person, but I’m going to revise that thought now.  I believe it was the relationship that changed my mind.  Because for some time, we had a good relationship.  We had everything two people could ask for – trust, friendship, chemistry and the list goes on.  I can say quite honestly, I did not have all of those things with my ex-husband.  Yet I had them with Dick, and I believe those things and others combined, turned me into the spooner or spoonee or cuddly sleeper I became.  Irishman and I would cuddle before sleeping and upon waking, but I know I didn’t seek him out in my sleep.  *Snort* I barely sleep when I’m there anyway.  I digress yet again.  I think what I’m trying to say?  Some nights, I head to bed alone and … miss having someone that wants to sleep next to me, someone that snuggles up with me, I miss seeking someone out in my sleep.  I can say that I simply miss having a relationship in which I seek the person out in my sleep.  I think … in my own weird QTMama way, it means something to me that I have turned into the seeker sleeper.

Marriage and Other Scary Stuff

So Just a Man’s Journey latest entry is about how one day, he’s going to get married.  It’s also about him having some “virtual” crushes on certain women around the web.  He says, “their online persona has my mind racing. These women are intelligent, opinionated, funny,  sassy, sexy, stable, great moms and they can communicate their feelings.”  He has not specifically named to whom he is referring to, however, it matters not. But it did get me thinking.

I once wanted to get married again.  I wanted to be married to him; I wanted to spend my life with him, to raise my daughter together with him, to BUILD a life together.  And since he left, I am afraid my thoughts of marriage … to anyone, has left as well.  It’s become this big scary thing to me, because having to put my trust and faith into another man is something that at this point in my life, scares me.  Sharing my daugther with someone is probably my biggest fear.  I don’t think I’ve posted about how much she suffered when he left.  We went from sleeping problems to random crying to asking about him every damn day.  I will never put her in that situation again, and while she is doing better now, she still speaks of him, she still wonders if he misses her.  I realize that while our broken hearts are mending, thinking of a relationship or marriage to someone else is not going to be prudent.  It’s probably best to not even think in those terms, but …

Then I see posts like this.  And it makes me smile.  And even gives me some hope that one day I will actually find a man that lives near me that feels the same way.  *grin*  So thank you, Just A Man, for giving me that smile this morning.

Music Moods, Updates and TGIF

I must admit, the last few days have not been the best in my little world.  Work has been stressful for reasons that will remain unknown to most of you.  No offense, but I will rarely blog about what I do for a living, or where.  I am employed, and for that, I’ve thrown a few prayers up to the Big Guy saying thank you.  On top of the stress there, I have the aforementioned PMS.  This, of course, just seems to make everything so much worse.  And then, there is the dealing with my mistakes in terms …  of another.  That has probably been the hardest part for me.  I’m working my way through it, with the help of friends (Bella – you’re the best, Jenn – I’ve missed you darlin, Jane – Thank You, ShaNaNa – I didn’t need a ride but thank you!  ), and all of you of course.  Your comments and support have made a big difference! And I love each of you for it. 

Today is brighter. Much brighter.  And this morning I heard this song on the way to work:

That song just perked my butt right up for some reason.  So, I wanted to share it just in case it could do the same for someone else. 

Irishman and I are still in contact, and he is doing fabulously well.  I miss him.  I have not mentioned another trip there – I need a break, I swear!  It’s overwhelming sometimes the amount of fun that can be had there.  *grin* Of course, ask me this again next week and I’ll have a different answer I’m sure.

Emilee is with me this weekend and the weather is yet again, hot and humid.  More time by the pool I’m sure.  We have a graduation party to attend, I am seriously hoping it’s held INSIDE because being outside in 90 degree weather when the humidity is as thick as soup really is not fun. 

I am off to write a response email to my FireMan.  *wiggling eyebrows*

Have a great weekend!!