Ya Know What?

1) Sometimes, I do shit just to make myself laugh.

2) Random Esquire is like … my bra. So supportive. I heart RE.

3) Life is too damn short for all the games people play.

4) Insulting single mom’s is for sure, a one way ticket to me not reading your blog anymore.

5) Imagine me with a big smile on my face.   Hmmm, and for the hell of it, throw a piece of bacon on me!

6) I want you to know that just because I like getting drunk, it doesn’t mean I like finding out about my bad decisions.

7) “If he’s so smart, how come he’s dead?” – Homer Simpson

8 ) I do not gossip. I emotionally speculate.

9) I do not think real vampires sparkle.

Boob Shish Kabob and Diarrhea Mouth

Alright friends, let me tell you a story. One I had not even shared with Random Esquire, a story that wasn’t even shared with ShaNaNa or Wingman. Yet, somehow, QT felt it was a fabulous idea to drink too much on Friday night, and proceed to tell New Guy the entire story. Not only did I inform him of this story, but doing so in the midst of Irish Car Bombs, I fully proceeded to not remember telling him the story. Until he reminded me on Saturday.  Ayup.

For some reason, when I was a little girl of maybe eight years old, I was growing into a true QT by doing the smart thing and running around with a skewer.  You know, like those that are used when making shish kabob? Yes, young QT was having fun running in the yard … with skewer in hand. I’m sure you can guess by now, where this is going. Of course, I fell down and … well, skewered myself. I remember thinking even at that young age, “Oh man, mom is not going to be happy about this.” I had a metal kabob stick that entered somewhere under my right (non at that age) breast and exited right in the middle of my chest, almost (now) directly in the middle of my boobs. The x-ray at the hospital showed I simply punctured skin, nothing else. Four stitches later, me and my very pale mother were headed home. And after my body, er … developed if you will, I now have two small scars, one directly underneath my right breast and the other still in the middle of my chest. I never tell anyone about these scars, no one ever sees them. And if someone has noticed them, it was after a very thorough inspection of my chest. *Laugh*

And so on Friday night, I was out with my very favorite LetEmBreathe to celebrate his birthday and have us some drinks. And when I say some drinks? Really you should read that as … we drank a frickin shitload.

New Guy did in fact meet us up there (which was a total surprise! Yay!), where we all proceeded to drink some more. And I … proceeded to have Diarrhea Mouth, which includes but is not limited to as he may not have reminded me of everything yet, me informing New Guy that I’ll soon have naked pictures taken of me (but he needn’t worry because of course they will be tasteful!), that I love love love love LOVE Irish Car Bombs, that ShaNaNa once lost her shoes in a moment of drunkenness, that I have scars on my tummy from skin cancer, that I am indeed with hymen and last but not least, that I skewered myself and now have scars by my boobs.

*Sigh*

And when, during my weekend phone call with Random Esquire, I explained the entire story of me making an ass of myself and having Diarrhea Mouth, RE was more interested in the skewering incident. When I described the story in more detail, RE paused and said,

“Boob Shish Kabob?”

Ayup. That’s my Cookie.

Stuff. Mortification. Kissing.

1) I’ve been assigned some new … tasks in regards to my job as of late, and it’s certainly been keeping me busy and running. I’m quite enjoying it, but I’ve noticed that my attention to other things (ahem: reading blogs) has been cut quite short. Dammit. I’m working on fixing that.

2) Okay so anyone here who has ever misconstrued a situation and ended up mortifying the ever-living shit out of themselves … raise your hand.

*QT raising hand slowly*

Yesterday I misunderstood an email from New Guy. And ended up feeling like a fool with my pants on the ground.

*Sigh*

Sometimes I suck so bad.  Yet, never fear friends! He is fabulous and laughed at me and my stupidity.

3) Well here is something that doesn’t happen to me everyday. I walked into the bathroom the other day at work, and saw two girls making out. Like, making out making out. Now it’s not that it’s two women, honestly I could care less. It’s the fact that they were in the ladies room. In the middle of a work day.

“WOW!” I said that out loud when I saw them. They immediately broke apart and started fixing their clothes and got outta there like bats out of hell. While I stared.  Hehehehe

I ran back to my desk and immediately sent an IM to Random Esquire and said, “Dude. I totally just walked in on two girls making out in the bathroom!”

RE writes back: “Were they hot?”

*Blink*

Well.  I dunno. I mean, aren’t two girls making out always hot?

Groundhogs, Irish Stuff and … Bacon

1) You know what the best part about a low carb diet is?

Bacon.

Bam! End of story.

2) Today is Groundhog Day.  Apparently Phil saw his shadow. Which means we are in for six more weeks of winter. Googlie told me that Phil is married to Phylis, another groundhog. I told him he was stupid.

3) This morning I had a nice surprise. Irishman texted me, and we ended up texting for a while before we finally got on the phone so I could hear that accent.  And in case you were wondering, I STILL LOVE IT.  Regardless, when I told him it was Groundhog Day, he had no idea what I was talking about. When I explained it to him, he was quiet for a moment and then he said, “Don’t we have satellites for that kind of stuff?”  I said, “HEY FOREIGNER! Don’t ruin our American traditions, dammit!”

4) Speaking of Irish Stuff, new boy and I are heading out for dinner and Irish music this weekend!  I’m SO EXCITED to go! Not just cuz it’s with new boy, (but that certainly has a lot to do with it) but also because it’s IRISH MUSIC.  Wooooooo!!

5) Did you Angel’s comment here the other day?  She says I should not talk about new boy in my blog cuz it jinxes me. JINXES. I think she may have a point. So my lip is zipped. And all I am gonna say is that he is so cute.

6) This week alone, I’ve had four requests to “follow me” on Twitter!  *Laugh*  Vino, my fellow blogger, even commented on it on my Contact QT page.  You guys crack me up.  I did write about that very topic once here, but I must ask, what would be so great about me being on Twitter? May I get your wise thoughts on this one here?

I’m Just Sayin

1) This morning on the radio, I heard that the only scar we are born with is our belly button. I thought about that for a second, and then wondered about the innie outie thing.  I’m an innie.  Em is an outie. Her dad is an innie.  How does that WORK?

2) My new dog Kelly, is seriously such a good dog. She can sit, shake, stay, lay down and AND, she’ll wait to get her treat till you tell her “Go get it!” Someone worked with her … she’s incredible. I feel lucky, cuz really, it’s like she adopted me.

3) It is true, I’ve met someone quite fabulous. He saw me standing on the dumpster and came over to say hi.  ;)  He’s a single dad, he has a daughter that is six and her name is Emily.  *Laugh* Interesting isn’t it?

4) LOOK WHAT I FOUND:

Bacon Flavored Dental Floss

See? This is proof that God does in fact, love me!!  That and coffee.  *Thinking* Oh and vodka.  For sure.

Stuff, The F Word, Full Moons and ShaNaNa

1) I went to the mall the other day. I had some eye shadow to get, and I am in dire need of some new bra’s.  And you know what I came home with? A dog. With huge ears. As a matter of fact, her ears are the size of the old TV antenna’s on top of the TVs. They are so funny. She’s a five year old Lab/Shepherd mix, and there wasn’t one person paying attention to her at the adoption event. Not one. I watched this dog watch all the people walk by, pet all the other dogs, the puppies, etc.  Then, she looked right at me.  And I thought, “Well hell.” And that was it. I was done for. And so, without further ado, I present to you …

Kelly

I’m such a sucker. Seriously. But we love her already.

2) Today, as most days, I read T’s blog.  And it was fucking funny.  I fuckin suggest you head over there straight away and give her a fuckin thumbs up on THIS POST.

3) So Okay.  You are all familiar with ShaNaNa.  But here’s the thing about ShaNaNa that I love. The other night we are chatting away on FaceBook IM and we are talking of how pretty her daughter is, how much she looks like ShaNaNa, etc.  Shan kept saying she didn’t see how they looked alike.  I responded with …

“Hmmm … well yeah, she doesn’t have your nose. Cuz your nose is all … witch like.”

And then, I laughed so hard that I bonked my own head on my laptop.  See? It’s when you can insult your friends and they still stick around that you know you are really friends.

4) Emilee was getting changed tonight and she took her undies off and stood there naked. In the middle of the living room. With her cute bare butt just … OUT THERE.  She says, “Mom! Look! There is a FULL MOON tonight!” and then laughed herself silly.

5) Oh and I think it’s time I mentioned that … I SO met a boy.  And I SO like him. And I am SO EXCITED!!

The RE and QT Question Hour

DISCLAIMER OF WARRANTIES AND LIABILITY.

RE and QT (“Idiots”) make no warranties, express or implied, as to their services.  The Idiots specifically disclaim any implied warranties, including without limitation any implied warranty that their response will either make sense or effectively accomplish an end result, good or bad.  In fact, the mere request for advice from these two Idiots or the reading of advice from these two Idiots serves as notice to you that you, too, may be an idiot.  The Idiots have no liability under any theory of law anywhere, anyhow, anytime, anyway.  This is acceptance of the risk, people – also known as ‘life‘.

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Hello all! Welcome to the bloggie world of the RE(tard) and QT!!  We are happy to have you join us for this week’s question, brought to us by an ‘anonymous’ reader.  Meaning, we aren’t telling you who submitted this question.

Dear QT and RE(tard), (okay I, QT, added that tard, but I deem it fair)

So there’s two best friends, a guy and a girl.  Let’s call them Zach and Lucy.  Zach tells Lucy about another girl he basically just wants to screw… but then, this girl, who seems to think Zach actually has feelings for her, asks Lucy her opinion (whether he likes her, etc.) since she’s Zach’s best friend.  What should she do?  Should she, as the best friend, cover up for him and encourage it, or as a woman, stick up for OtherGirl and tell her that he just wants to have some fun?  (Does that even make sense?)

Yes our fabulous blog reader, this makes perfect sense. Never fear, RE and QT are here!

RE’s Response: I would recommend that Lucy tell Zach that the girl has feelings for him.

Here’s why:  It’s fairly faithful to both of her relationships.  She has told Zach the reality of the situation – thereby not letting him walk into it blindly.  And, at the same time, though it may appear she’s betrayed the confidence of her female friend, I suspect her female friend could recognize the motive to protect her to some degree.  If Zach then decides to still ’screw’ this girl, that is up to him and his conscience.  The girl should not get mad at you if he decides to still screw her and then walk away.  Why?  Because he knew she had feelings as well and he is the one who did the screwing.

No, I don’t believe the answer would change if Lucy had feelings for Zach.

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QT’s Response: See now, I pictured this scenario in my head, using myself and my Wingman.  And I saw it going like this:

Wingman: I want to bang her. {Wingman pointing to some chick}

QT: {QT looks to see who the girl is} Okay but she totally thinks you’re into her for more than sex. So watch it.

Wingman: Hmmm. Okay. Hey! We should drink beer!

QT: Yeah!

And there you go. The thought is, Wingman is my BFF.  I’d tell him the truth and yet at the same time, give no encouragement to the girl that likes him.  And let them each go from there. Bam!

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That is what we call a WIN WIN situation.  Damn, we are SO GOOD AT THIS.

RE(tard) and QT(mama)

Hello friends!

Have you ever wondered what it’s like in the love lives of RE and QT?

Have you wanted to see, up close and personal how awesome we are at attracting men and women?

Have you too, wondered the secrets that have kept us single for so long?

If you, or any of your friends and family members, have often asked yourselves these questions, Random Esquire and myself now offer you this as an explanation.

PLAY ME:

We are sure you’re impressed. Seriously.

‘Nuff Said.

Please remember to send us your questions at QT.Mama.Blog AT Gmail.com

Friday Stuff

1) Keep the questions coming people! RE and I have gotten some great questions, and we are all ready to have a new post next week for you offering our advice.

*Pause*

I think it’s important to note that RE and I are, well …  stupid. As a matter of fact, we are sometimes, brilliantly stupid.  So remember that when asking your questions.

2) Last night, Miss ShaNaNa was at my house for a bit, and Miss Emilee was telling ShaNaNa of a story she had written for a school project. Shan is nodding along, listening to Miss Em when Em gets to this part of the story:

“Blah blah and then this chick is on the ground, and this dude over here?  He fell down too.”

ShaNaNa immediately got her big eyes and stared at Emilee before busting out laughing and looking at me.  I winced. Yes, Em has for sure picked up my lingo. Girls are chicks; boys are dudes. And the general term Dude can be used for anything.

My Hymen and Random Esquire

Apparently letting the world know I’ve been SOL, stagnant (utterly) in the sex area is okay by my Cookie, because when I had mentioned that my hymen grew back, it was met with laughter. Bah.

You can read about it here.

Random is a Boob Loving PeckerHead that I Love